This should be fun

I've been taking very long baths.

Since I'm not at home currently (and it feels so weird to be back in that college time hobo living phase) baths take longer because I must

- wash clothes
- clean bathroom before I bathe
- wipe bathroom floor after I bathe
- carry my toiletries into the bathroom and back into the suitcase
- carry sogging clothes out to the balcony in a heavy ass bucket

But none of this^ can bring down the joy of finding that sweet spot between Antarctica Freezing and Hot as Hell, standing under that strong force of warm water and somehow feeling all your shitty responsibilities clear off your skin, not to mention all the time you get to wallow in your mistakes and find ways to feel invigorated again.

If only.

Haha, anyhow. My final life-determining jury presentation is tomorrow. The amount of stress is my body is making me sick, and it's making me think back to my 12th standard boards. Of course I know now what I didn't know then: the 12th standard boards aren't stressful at all compared to what life throws at you later. But suddenly the still 16 year old side of me began to sulk at her one biggest worry being trivialised. Come to think of it, the stress never really goes away, rather manifests itself in whatever you need to be worried about at that age.

I need to sleep before I pass the point of waking up on time. And Jesus, I sound like a rambling drunk person.

I'll come back to you with jury results, Chaos. Keep the alcohol ready.

because I'm doing exactly what I should be doing at this point: watching Grey's Anatomy and forgetting what day it is.

Love,
Kanika

p.s. follow me on instagram! I'm way more active than a normal human being should be.

"OMG, Did He Just Unfriend Me?"

These days there are various ways and portals to get dissed, and it just happened to me thrice over. My phone number has been deleted, I have been unfriended on Facebook, and unfollowed on Twitter.

One of my best-est friends has outgrown our friendship, and as much as I made him believe I understood his reasons for not wanting to know me anymore, I wish I had told him how disappointed I was, just so that he couldn't get away with zero guilt. Remember, people: someone you love decides to hurt you willingly, please do not let them get away without letting them know exactly how idiotic they are, so that they will always remember it. They deserve the pain way more than you, and if they can put themselves before the friendship you have all the right to wish guilt upon them.

I can only imagine how I would have felt and reacted had this happened 4 years ago (when it comes to school friends I always end up reliving). Probably lots of crying and chocolate and bitching to at least 5 different friends (yeah...I used to actually call people up back then, I'm an anti-social chicken now).

But now, what did mature, college-going me do? I scoffed. And said "Ok, have a nice life" to his facebook timeline which, for the first time in 6 years, said "Add as friend."

:)

I cannot help but be proud of how much I've grown in these 4 years of college life, however self-obsessed that sentence may sound. I'm usually pretty hard on myself and there are few things that make me feel like a decent human being, and this is one of them.

Love,
Kanika

Tiresome

I'm getting tired of people. Of having to talk, meet, laugh. The meetings feel pointless. Coming home is a relief.

Had a different sort of talk with granddad today. He talked to me about maturity. He sees sincerity and diligence in me. I don't understand why.

I'm losing faith in people. Everyone is just a terrible version of themselves. I'm tired of being told to not be hurt because the 'real world is a cruel place'. If that's reality I want to go away somewhere far away from it. I want to meet nice people and listen to nice thoughts. I want feeling hurt to be allowed. I want nice people. I want to hear good things.

I feel hurt today. I want to let this feeling get through completely so it doesn't come back to haunt me. This is taking a toll on me already. I abhor myself.

Love in despair,
Kanika

Break-fasting

(Any health conscious people or vegetarians reading this, I suggest you stop right here.)

Since 6 years, breakfast has been a meal I love to skip. When I was in school, 7 am meant only a glass of hot milk and then running out the door in fear of missing the bus. In college, breakfast is a leisurely activity I carry out only on holidays, when I'm not running out the door in fear of missing attendance (I think you're seeing a pattern.) I do not enjoy breakfast as much as lunch, dinner or the million snack breaks in between. Maybe it's because lunch and dinner have such a big number of possible things to eat. That includes CHICKEN, something I have resigned myself to knowing I can't live without. But in my mind, since childhood, breakfast has meant toast, multiple kinds of egg, and maybe a stray parantha with leftovers from the night before. Sunday breakfasts are glorious though, and puri-aloo is up there on my list of only thing I will ever willingly eat in the morning.

My internship has provided me with a schedule for the day that I am not used to anymore. It's vaguely familiar to what I had in school, a little more challenging. I wake up at 8.30 a.m., standing ready by 8.45 (surprised?) and till 9 o'clock my mother watches me with hawkeyes as I quietly eat the fried egg and single toast she's placed on the table. If I say no, she will stuff fruits into my bag, and as much as I love apples I'd rather not carry more food to work than the necessary lunch (I'm a bit of a hog like that, if I had more food with me I would never stop eating in office hours).

And I love a good sunny-side-up, do NOT get me wrong, but for every day breakfast, it's a wonder I'm not throwing up every mornings. Eggs are more icky than people think. Yeesh.

Okay putting my strange eating habits aside, Mehak from little trinkets i drop :) has graced me with an award! *joy dance*

And for once, all I have to do once I receive it is simply bask in its glory!

Thanks Mehak :)

Love in breakfastry,
Kanika

Endeavouring

The thing about school friends is, they know you in a way you'd rather not remember. Back when you were still stupid, and heartbroken without realising that that word held more than just a temporary bad feeling of rejection.

They will forgive you more readily than you will forgive yourself for all the silly things you said and did back then, though they won't let you forget that one time when -

I get these phases where I intensely miss school and the people we were, stupid yes, but so happy nevertheless. There is so much that happened in those 14 years that has shaped my idea of the world, and that is more than I can ever imagine.