Ho Hey!

Here I am, sitting with the lights off at 10 am because the cloudy skies and torrential downpour outside are exponentially beautiful this way (and I can ignore the thoughts of how much mud is being generated right now), sipping a steaming hot cup of sheer chai, very impatiently waiting for my flipkart orders to reach me, also sheepish because I know this post is LONG LONG LONG LONG LONG overdue.

Hello chaos and chaosmakers, I'm here finally, over the initial time-and-space-eating black hole called 'vacation', having gone for 2 separate holidays with my parents in the span of two weeks. I've been busy, in the way that being home after a long time makes you busy: sleeping, eating, sleeping, reading, eating, baking, sleeping. Hence the silence over here: I've either been asleep, or I've been sitting in some tiny village in Himachal Pradesh and staring at mountains.

I'm back for good.

Love,
Kanika

Beginning / End

Over the past week, I had to pack up my Bangalore life into cartons and suitcases. Somehow shut 4 years of memories & love and happiness and relationships into boxes and send them back home. And then I had to leave too.

Of course it did not hit me till the taxi driver called and asked for directions, & suddenly I was blubbering and tearing up over the phone. I spent 4 years waiting to leave this place and when I was at the end all I wanted was another day in that house, making maggi at 3 am and drinking quietly in the balcony so that our landlord wouldn't get to know and watching Friends with Ze Boyfriend while sitting on the same cartons I had just finished packing, holding his hand really tightly because I knew in a few hours I'd be too far away.

[it's not like I won't see him. I still have my final diploma project left to do, I just chose to do it in Delhi. I'll see him soon. :)]

I hated leaving, and last minute my friends decided to drop me to the airport; one showed up with his car, so the taxi left with other people with flights at the same time. I cried quietly all the way to the airport, I cried when I had to hug everyone, I cried when I got to the check-in counter (thinking about it right now is forming a lump in my throat) and I realised it was harder to leave Bangalore than it was to leave Delhi 4 years ago.

I've been home for a couple of days now. Sorry about the silence. Just lots of things to miss.

The very sweet Anjali has given me a blog award and it requires some do-ing; give me a day or two to adjust to all this upheaval and I'll be back. (:

Lots of love,
Kanika

Hello Again

I don't know if anyone realised I was quiet but I know you did.

I feel like I'm writing too many "I love you & I'm sorry for being MIA" letters to my blog in the recent past. But I'm entitled to it - hey, it's my last week in college. You will not believe the crazy things I need to do so that my college will let me graduate. Let's not get into it.

Anywho, it's been an all-nighter with nice music and Snickers-breaks, and I can finally sense how close going home is, but it's still just a teeny bit out of reach.

Bangalore day-break is crazy beautiful.

How've you been? :)

Love,
Kanika

Open-Air Madness

I just want to go home where things will be too far away to weigh down on me.

Punctuating

Happy birthday to a very tired-sounding mother.

Speaking to my family is not a regular deal for me; we probably have a 15 minute conversation every two-three days. It makes me miss home horrendously, even after 4 years of being away from them. I always know what'll be happening at home when I get a call; I can hear people talking in the background and I can hear my father's old hindi music blasting from the speakers and I can hear my grandmother asking how much rice to cook and my sister's interjecting from the back and asking if I heard that particular song she sent me and my mother tells me about family get-togethers and everyone always asks me when I'm coming home for my next vacation...it's an overwhelming amount of things to suddenly miss and just after the conversation ends I feel weird for a while. As if being there amidst all that chaos would somehow give me the peace of mind I'm craving right now.

Summer vacations are being planned, and I think my parents have forgotten the FINAL PROJECT I AM SUPPOSED TO BE STARTING IN JULY ON THE BASIS OF WHICH I WILL GRADUATE (OR WON'T, DEPENDING ON WHETHER I MAKE A HASH OF IT OR NOT). But the plan is to go to our favorite kind of holiday destination, a secluded hill-spot, where the pine trees are too tall to look up at and the drives are long and beautiful with Paul Simon singing along, so I refuse to crib about it. I need that kind of de-stressing sojourn so desperately.

No more whining. Let's beat this Sunday.

The First Day of Spring

I haven't felt this low in what feels like forever. I don't know why I feel like this and that's scary. Something is weighing down on me without my permission. My brain feels violated. 

I don't like how people rejoice so much in the control they have over you and they misuse it. It's so incredibly infuriating and the word 'unfair' has lost its meaning because I've thought it so much.

I hate what's happening.

"It's the first day of spring,
And my life is starting over again,
Well the trees grow, the river flows,
And its water will wash away my sin,
For I do believe that everyone,
has one chance
to fuck up 
their lives.
Like a cut down tree, I will rise again,
I'll be bigger, and stronger than ever before.

If I'm still here hoping, that one day you may come back.

There's a hope in every new seed,
And every flower that grows on the Earth,
And though I love you, and you know that,
Well I no longer know what that's worth,
And I'll come back to you, in a year or so,
And rebuild ready to become,
Oh the person, you believed in,
Or the person that you used to love.

If I'm still here hoping, that one day you may come back."

Love,
Kanika

Here I Am

No sleep, no Coca Cola, no fast internet. The three things that make my days easier have all been robbed by the burglar known as "Last Week Of Your Last Semester", a.k.a "All My Faculty Members Have Planned All The Submissions For All Courses This Week."

I'm in so much stress and panic, yet I'm having far too many I-don't-care moments.

How's your week?

Everything's Not Lost

There it was, I had it, my moment of everything-just-hit-me-all-at-once-what-am-i-doing-everything-sucks, and I handled it better than I ever thought I could.

And best of all, I had a friend to help me along, in that 10 seconds of silent chaos.

Everything is okay, and it will be, because the universe will always turn itself back up again and the sun will shine again new.

I will be okay, come darkness or light, the lows of loneliness or the highs of the contentment. Coldplay will always be the answer to questions that are woozy, with some added herbs and spices.

Everything is okay.

:)

Trouble

How can I quell the rant in my head currently?

- 30 effective days till college is over. And my room is so warm and lovely at this moment and I hate to think of college getting done with, it was supposed to feel longer and fulfil me some more.

- fight that slump which has been winning its daily wars with sleep.

things are so uncertain it's frightening.

i need reassurance and hugs.

Lost Causes & Midnight Chocolate Breaks

To say it doesn't affect me would be a giant, stinking lie.

Anyone who's known me for more than half a second is aware of my habit of getting overly attached to everything and everyone that/who is nice to me in the vaguest manner, even they don't mean to be nice and accidentally showed me some courtesy. It's a horrendously weak habit to be a slave to, because strange things can make you feel too shitty for words and stranger things can make you smile. Sometimes I'm confused about why I feel a certain way and then I realize it's an involuntary reaction which should always be voluntary.

Of course it's hard to change that about yourself but I've been trying yet, unsuccessfully so. It's a thankless process with little or no results, infuriating and frustrating beyond belief.

And if you ask me what's put me in this mood, I'll think of reasons that I'll be ashamed to list; I'm letting ordinary people who suck get into my head and argue with the voice that lives there.

Anyhow. Last three weeks of college. The diploma project email was received last night. Time to stress.

Love,
Kanika

p.s. Big thank you to Kritika (her blog is here) for the Creative Blogger Award (YAY) which I received from Akanksha last week. I request your permission to not follow the rules this time, since i did it so recently. Mwahaha.

Enticing Solitude

If I write more, will I love more?
If the lights go off, will the darkness open up for us?

So much pain and love hangs in the air right now.

---

A blog award slipped right past, but I'm giving it the attention it deserves now. Akanksha, you lovely thing, thank you! :)

So the rules of this 'Creative Blogger' award are:

1. Thank the blogger and link back to their blog.
done and done!

2. a) Tell us three things about yourself.
one, I'm a hothead.
two, I love to sing!
three, I always take hot water baths, no matter the weather.

2. b)Tell us two things people don't know about you.
one, I hate cake. (sorry, I really am)
two, I use hair serum (really ran out of things to say)

2. c)Tell us one thing you want to change about yourself.
my temper, most definitely. I wish I was inherently calmer.

3. Answer the questions asked by the blogger.

a. What if pigs actually have money inside them? Would you slice 'em up to check?

HAHAHAHAHA OMG WHAT?!

Well now that you mention it, it might just be a possibility, but the only reason I'd slice a pig is for pork.

b. What is the worst pick-up line you've been hit upon by?

Not the worst but most recent.

sigh.

c. Which God do you presume is a fashionista?

Aphrodite, obviously! Also maybe Artemis. (sorry Greek mythology is too interesting!)

d. Do you believe in hate at first sight?

Hell yeah.

e. Is Polo an illegitimate kid to doughnuts?

No, just trying too hard.

f. What made Passion Fruit have the name it does?

It's loud and complex and interesting, just like its namesake.

4. Nominate other bloggers.

Isha, at Chaai, Paani, Etc. 

I love her & miss her blogging!

Nilanjana, at ~Nil.

because she's lovely and happy and beautiful. :)

Kshipra, at Muse-Ment

for being delightful and profound. <3 p="">

And Maryam, at Overwhelming Confessions

one of the most beautiful bloggers I know :)

5. Ask questions to the bloggers you nominated.

Choose between (and tell us why)

a) the beach and the mountains

b) chocolate and vanilla

c) heels and flipflops

d) holi and diwali

e) glasses and contact lenses

6. Inform the bloggers you nominated.

On my way!

Love love,

Kanika

The Beach Calls!

Here are some pictures of my ultra cool and cozy room, which I'll be away from for another 4 days because, I AM GOING TO GOA!

*CUE GIRLISH HIGH-PITCHED SHRIEKING*

Last night all my housemates and I had such a blast trying on each other's clothes and exchanging them for the duration of our mid-semester break! Full on girly sleepover.

I made all those giant posters! ^:)

So guys, miss me for another 4 days, and then I'll be back with pictures of me in decent clothes :)

Love in much excitement,

Kanika

The (Highly Beautiful) Fault in our Stars

Last night at 2 am, I was reduced to a blithering, sobbing version of me, just because of some words written by this guy I hadn't heard that much about, about people I hadn't met but knew and understood completely (just marveling at the fact that a book can make me feel as shitty as it did. I'm always surprised by how much books can mean to a person if you give them time and space and love.)

I reached page number 260, curled up in bed with my fairy lights on, almost too aggressively involved in the story but still in control of my heart....and I was crying before I got to the end of the paragraph. It was the sort of sadness that didn't announce itself with a lump in the throat (I find that's a polite introduction to the little crying child you're going to be reduced to). I was reading, gradually getting sadder, and then, BAM, TEARS.

I don't want to tell you anything about this book. I hate it. I hate it so much that I love it like a lunatic, the things it told me and the conversations Hazel and Augustus had, and all I really wanted to do when it ended was just cry into my pillow and want a long, warm hug. That book has taken all my rosy dreams of the future and basically thrown them to the dogs.

It's the feeling when you read something so true that everything else you've known to be true until this moment seems like it was building up right to this point.

I'm so happy I decided to read this book.

John Green, it was a privilege to have my heart broken by you, and this pain demands to be felt.
Thank you.

Love,
Kanika

!

*roommate leaves*
*cue dramatic singing into hairbrush in front of mirror*

"Now that she's back in the atmosphere

With drops of Jupiter in her hair, hey, hey

She acts like summer and walks like rain

Reminds me that there's time to change, hey, hey

Since the return from her stay on the moon

She listens like spring and she talks like June, hey, hey 

Tell me did you sail across the sun

Did you make it to the Milky Way to see the lights all faded

And that heaven is overrated 

Tell me, did you fall for a shooting star

One without a permanent scar

And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there?"

Wait, are you telling me you DON'T think all songs with meaningful lyrics are written for your life, and your life alone? That's sad. :P

I need the perfect playlist every morning to bring me out of my daily morning grump and put me into crazy work mode, and I thought I'll drop in here to say hi before I disappear into a mound of design-student-woes today. So hi :)

Also, in case anyone's interested in what I've been listening to, here.

And since I haven't been talking to you guys much, I thought I'll try much much harder. It's possible you're going to be reading too much of me!

Love,

Kanika

How To Start Your Day - Lessons in Life 101

Saw this here.

I'm going to try and and think about this every morning, after I'm done whining about getting up.

You guys don't comment and it makes me sad.

Ok bye.

Good Child

I've been:

• working,
• sitting properly and upright so that my aching back heals,
• nursing aching wrists from too much laptop love,
• watching Brit sit-coms and laughing really hard,
• drinking lots of hot nice tea,
• wistfully checking out the flipkart book section (BTW, Priyanka (here's her blog) had gifted me a flipkart e-voucher for making her header, and the book I ordered with that is here :) The Fault in Our Stars.)
• staying in the quiet of my room
• putting up posters
• drawing and smiling.

How've you been?

Love,

Kanika

Love On Top

-I woke up with such hopes today but they've all gone to shit.I got unnecessarily angry with everyone for reasons unknown, then tried to make up for it, but it didn't work.

-I tried to work without stressing but that didn't happen either.Stress used to push me to work and do a pretty decent job, but in the last few weeks it's been only detrimental. One a.m. stress-induced crying and serious instances of self-doubt are constant friends.

-I also realised how much of a hypocrite I can be on most days. I get mad about everything without any real purpose but if someone else is also having as bad a day as mine and is behaving as irrationally as I have been for weeks then I cannot stand it.

-I need something to make me feel good. Good habits need to be cultivated. Starting right now.

Love,

Kanika

p.s. check out Priyanka's new header that I designed over HERE. If you like it, and you like my headers too and want one for your blog, shoot me an email at kanika.kaul22@gmail.com. However, I will not work for free...I'm open to any sort of gifts. Haha.

Stress and all its friends

Turns out that the week-long eye twitch you've been suffering is caused by stress and too much caffeine. Er...

Till I deal with that, this word (and action) needs to become illegal: FAFF.

Ok, back to excruciating eye-twitch worthy work.

Aha!

There it is, that drive, that purpose, that motivation that eluded me for months. That want to really do something and not sit on my now-fat ass and watch TV shows all day.

Not saying I'll let Breaking Bad go so easily :P

HELLO BLOG!

I LOVE YOU!

A Letter to Chaos

Hello, old flame.

I don't want to abandon you, because, let's face it, you've always helped me abandon the world when I needed to get away from it. If I let you go now, there are going to be moments I'll miss you intensely, and regret is going to drive me insane.

You are a indelible part of my brain; you buzz around in it for the greater part of the day. Sometimes you're quieter than everything else that surrounds me.

I'm still here with you, I'm just at my quietest. I'll talk soon, when I feel I have something that I just cannot keep from you. Something will force me to run to you and unload.

I'll speak. In good time.

Till then,
remember me.

Love always,
Kanika