Brooklyn Baby

getting drunk in my room at 2.43 am as my best friend sleeps next to me and i read thoughtcatalog.

what happened to my life? not that i hate the way things are. im quite content with my old monk and coke, thank you.

hey guys. im gonna delete this blog soon and start a new one, where i can crib about my life all over again.

who wants in?

love,
kanika

Whispering

Hello familiar friend, I thought you were no longer on talking terms with me but I can't help coming back to you when I need a shoulder to lean on.

Help me.

"23 Pieces of Advice for the Struggling 20-Something"

I'm in thoughtcatalog overload. Turns out being absolutely aimless in life can hook you onto things that you should stay far, far away from. If I were a sane, logical, smart person, I wouldn't be living my life according to thoughtcatalog. It seems 20-somethings are the perfect target audience for list-y articles full of wise-sounding advice about 'the future'.

Reading these articles as a struggling 20-something myself, I can confidently say that they scare the living shit out of me. Mostly because there isn't much I'm worried about. But I read one list and then I read the recommended links and soon I'm sitting on the floor trying to ferociously plot out my life and not let the universe get the better of me.

Damn you thoughtcatalog, daaaaaaaaamnn youuuuuuuu!!!!

12 Days

12 days till Bombay.

Another city. More new people. Two more years of college. Dread and fear and stress and excitement and lots and lots and lots of hope.

∆∆∆

I've become one of those people who cannot physically function anymore without having either a nervous breakdown or an existential crisis. I'm constantly surrounded by negativity. Finding a quiet place is difficult, but not impossible.

My family has lost 3 people in 12 days. This kind of barrage is mentally attacking.

This should be fun

I've been taking very long baths.

Since I'm not at home currently (and it feels so weird to be back in that college time hobo living phase) baths take longer because I must

- wash clothes
- clean bathroom before I bathe
- wipe bathroom floor after I bathe
- carry my toiletries into the bathroom and back into the suitcase
- carry sogging clothes out to the balcony in a heavy ass bucket

But none of this^ can bring down the joy of finding that sweet spot between Antarctica Freezing and Hot as Hell, standing under that strong force of warm water and somehow feeling all your shitty responsibilities clear off your skin, not to mention all the time you get to wallow in your mistakes and find ways to feel invigorated again.

If only.

Haha, anyhow. My final life-determining jury presentation is tomorrow. The amount of stress is my body is making me sick, and it's making me think back to my 12th standard boards. Of course I know now what I didn't know then: the 12th standard boards aren't stressful at all compared to what life throws at you later. But suddenly the still 16 year old side of me began to sulk at her one biggest worry being trivialised. Come to think of it, the stress never really goes away, rather manifests itself in whatever you need to be worried about at that age.

I need to sleep before I pass the point of waking up on time. And Jesus, I sound like a rambling drunk person.

I'll come back to you with jury results, Chaos. Keep the alcohol ready.

because I'm doing exactly what I should be doing at this point: watching Grey's Anatomy and forgetting what day it is.

Love,
Kanika

p.s. follow me on instagram! I'm way more active than a normal human being should be.

The More You Know

You know the one sure-shot way to never feel stressed again?

It's confidence.

(the things you learn the day before a massive deadline)

Constant Vigilance

Sitting in the dark in the balcony no one goes to, crying because I miss my boyfriend and can't hug him tonight at 12 am for his birthday.

When the hell did things get so claustrophobic and sickening and terrible? I haven't felt this way since school. The lack of reassurance and hugs is too disheartening. I need a lay-in-bed-and-sniff day.

Who wants to cuddle?

To That Guy

I'm going through a pre quarter-life crisis and you unfollowed me?

Dick.

Reasons why I'm a fail

I'm disappointed to say this (because I feel like I've done it too many times before) but I can't keep up with Astonishing August.

There are 80000000 things that contribute to my having to say this. They are all important and must figure higher on my list of priorities than blogging everyday, and I feel terrible about that. Half of these reasons are to do with my diploma project, and my failure to keep up with so many things at once. As Ze Boyfriend put it when I complained about AA, "You take on more in an attempt to prove you aren't procrastinating, but you are." And he's right. In those moments of immediate and intense inspiration, I don't focus it on the small things but rather create a multitude of other commitments I must share my mindspace for. And it's not a good idea.

Of course my diploma project needs to be the attention whore in my life for the next 2 months, and it's safe to say that concentrating is not my strong suit. I keep trying to think back to how in hell I was able to sit for hours on end doing integration and differentiation back in 12th standard: the answer is I did not have a goddamn laptop of my own, I did not have a phone that could access wifi, I don't think the internet at home was even wi-fi enabled at the time. And now it's all just "yeah lemme just quickly check pinterest and tumblr and twitter and 9gag" and when I feel I'm procrastinating it's "lemme just check some design blogs and get lost in the brilliance that is graphic design so much so that I feel demotivated."

Apart from that, being sick for almost 2 and a half weeks is by far the most tiring thing. Can you imagine coughing so hard that you get dizzy and need to sit down for a minute? That's been happening to me too many times in a day. And it's all just a common cold/flu. It shouldn't have taken it so long, it's almost kinda settled in my chest and every morning my throat is burning in all kinds of different ways. How fucking sad is that. I should be able to handle myself better, because this is very scary actually. And I need to focus on this too, because it's coming in the way of everything else.

The third giant chunk is being at home, which was necessary for a variety of reasons, mainly that I have working parents and my grandparents are almost too old to be able to handle household stuff on their own. It's tons of responsibility and I'm super glad to be there, but it takes a huge amount of time and to balance this on top of everything else is becoming a chore of its own.

I'm really really sorry to everyone who wanted to participate, and a special sorry to Akanksha because she was participating nearly every single day and now I'm a dick to cut this short in between. I don't think I should start this kinda thing up again until I'm absolutely sure I have the time to devote to it (since this is the third time I'm cutting this venture short). However I'll be blogging still, once I'm over being ashamed.

Love in embarrassment,
Kanika

p.s. I've reverted all the AA posts to drafts, so they're not deleted. Maybe in a while when I don't hate myself so much I'll put them back up. :(

Of Love and Other Drugs

Being the douchebag that I am, I missed my blog's third birthday. Three years! My blog is three whole years old! I cannot believe in its existence sometimes. That there is this portal I created for me to talk to myself. And I've ignored it, been angry with it, wanted to shut it down, but I come back to it anyway, because on days when everything else is trying super hard to make me feel terrible, Chaos is what's left behind.

Happy belated birthday Chaos, you are loved! :)

In other news, I've fallen horribly sick and everything feels morose. Every inch of my body goes up in flames of pain when I try to move. This means I can't do anything but rest my laptop on my stomach and scroll through endless distances of tumblr and pinterest, because this is as good an excuse as any to not work. I'm being force-fed a multitude of medicines which leads to long periods of hazy things.

I've come to realise that this diploma project is bringing out the most powerful waves of self-doubt and under confidence. Ze Boyfriend and I are trying super hard to lean on each other and keep our chins up. It's difficult when you look at it head on, but having someone to cry and complain about it with you makes it feel 1235126387% do-able. Fascinating how love can fill up all your gaps.

I'll be back once my nose isn't threatening to fall off.

Love,
Kanika

Midnight Teenage Angst

Midnight rain is the most beautiful peaceful thing in the world; everyone in the world is asleep and it's dark and I can hear the rain on the balcony roof and it sounds amazing.

It's been a bad day with stress and disappointment and being tired for no reason, and I haven't felt this way in so long. I immediately felt 13 years old again (looking back at the things I got mad about today). Honestly, I tried my hardest to fight it, but then fuck it they're my feelings, why should I deny them at all.

And then the anger and hate threw me into a vigor of inspiration. They drove me. For a second I hesitated, wondering whether anger is a good enough reason. But then I thought why not, as long as it's making me productive, what's the harm.

+ -

It hurts so much to stand and watch you self-destruct, and I'm trying so hard to stop you but you seem to have lost all hope. It's only because I love you that this hurts me too, but you push me out of the way.

Log Blog

It's begun, the diploma project that's gonna make or break my career, three months of stress and panic attacks and maybe some work in between.

Hahaha, I kid, I kid. The diploma project that I'm gonna force myself to not freak out about has begun today, and I've spent the first few hours on tumblr. Hashtag sorrynotsorry.

So I've made this diploma project blog thingy, where I'll be posting progress and rants and such, so in case anyone wants the link let me know.

Love,
Kanika

Punctuating

Happy birthday to a very tired-sounding mother.

Speaking to my family is not a regular deal for me; we probably have a 15 minute conversation every two-three days. It makes me miss home horrendously, even after 4 years of being away from them. I always know what'll be happening at home when I get a call; I can hear people talking in the background and I can hear my father's old hindi music blasting from the speakers and I can hear my grandmother asking how much rice to cook and my sister's interjecting from the back and asking if I heard that particular song she sent me and my mother tells me about family get-togethers and everyone always asks me when I'm coming home for my next vacation...it's an overwhelming amount of things to suddenly miss and just after the conversation ends I feel weird for a while. As if being there amidst all that chaos would somehow give me the peace of mind I'm craving right now.

Summer vacations are being planned, and I think my parents have forgotten the FINAL PROJECT I AM SUPPOSED TO BE STARTING IN JULY ON THE BASIS OF WHICH I WILL GRADUATE (OR WON'T, DEPENDING ON WHETHER I MAKE A HASH OF IT OR NOT). But the plan is to go to our favorite kind of holiday destination, a secluded hill-spot, where the pine trees are too tall to look up at and the drives are long and beautiful with Paul Simon singing along, so I refuse to crib about it. I need that kind of de-stressing sojourn so desperately.

No more whining. Let's beat this Sunday.

Here I Am

No sleep, no Coca Cola, no fast internet. The three things that make my days easier have all been robbed by the burglar known as "Last Week Of Your Last Semester", a.k.a "All My Faculty Members Have Planned All The Submissions For All Courses This Week."

I'm in so much stress and panic, yet I'm having far too many I-don't-care moments.

How's your week?

Trouble

How can I quell the rant in my head currently?

- 30 effective days till college is over. And my room is so warm and lovely at this moment and I hate to think of college getting done with, it was supposed to feel longer and fulfil me some more.

- fight that slump which has been winning its daily wars with sleep.

things are so uncertain it's frightening.

i need reassurance and hugs.

Lost Causes & Midnight Chocolate Breaks

To say it doesn't affect me would be a giant, stinking lie.

Anyone who's known me for more than half a second is aware of my habit of getting overly attached to everything and everyone that/who is nice to me in the vaguest manner, even they don't mean to be nice and accidentally showed me some courtesy. It's a horrendously weak habit to be a slave to, because strange things can make you feel too shitty for words and stranger things can make you smile. Sometimes I'm confused about why I feel a certain way and then I realize it's an involuntary reaction which should always be voluntary.

Of course it's hard to change that about yourself but I've been trying yet, unsuccessfully so. It's a thankless process with little or no results, infuriating and frustrating beyond belief.

And if you ask me what's put me in this mood, I'll think of reasons that I'll be ashamed to list; I'm letting ordinary people who suck get into my head and argue with the voice that lives there.

Anyhow. Last three weeks of college. The diploma project email was received last night. Time to stress.

Love,
Kanika

p.s. Big thank you to Kritika (her blog is here) for the Creative Blogger Award (YAY) which I received from Akanksha last week. I request your permission to not follow the rules this time, since i did it so recently. Mwahaha.

Love On Top

-I woke up with such hopes today but they've all gone to shit.I got unnecessarily angry with everyone for reasons unknown, then tried to make up for it, but it didn't work.

-I tried to work without stressing but that didn't happen either.Stress used to push me to work and do a pretty decent job, but in the last few weeks it's been only detrimental. One a.m. stress-induced crying and serious instances of self-doubt are constant friends.

-I also realised how much of a hypocrite I can be on most days. I get mad about everything without any real purpose but if someone else is also having as bad a day as mine and is behaving as irrationally as I have been for weeks then I cannot stand it.

-I need something to make me feel good. Good habits need to be cultivated. Starting right now.

Love,

Kanika

p.s. check out Priyanka's new header that I designed over HERE. If you like it, and you like my headers too and want one for your blog, shoot me an email at kanika.kaul22@gmail.com. However, I will not work for free...I'm open to any sort of gifts. Haha.

Inconsequential

'Ello, 2013 and all.

The past 15 days have been tossing me around, and I'm writing this on one of the downturns. It's been two weeks of uncontrollable chips-eating, blank-space-staring, or even crying myself to sleep some days, for reasons only God knows; but that miserable feeling refuses to completely go away. That's why I've been so quiet here, I don't know what to say, how to say it. It needs to be stated, however, that this blank box is lifting my spirits ever-so-slightly.

I've promised to be everything and productive this year, what with it being the year I (hopefully) graduate from the hell known as art-&-design school. Maybe I'll finally learn the secret to making the perfect fried egg (I always fuck it up just a tiny bit). I don't want to call them resolutions because then you feel like a let-down if you aren't able to meet these new expectations, I'd rather just consider these milestones, part of the gradual expected growing up once you're a 21 year old.

Oh yeah, by the way, the world didn't end, and I celebrated by turning the ripe old age of 21. How did I celebrate, you ask? By playing dodgeball and other such violent games the whole entire morning and afternoon. Best way to prove you're not really as old as you're supposed to be, right? I do not feel 21 in the least. The oldest I've ever felt in my life is 8.

How're you? :)

Hopefully back for a long time,
Kanika

p.s. february's coming up! (HINT HINT)