Reasons why I'm a fail

I'm disappointed to say this (because I feel like I've done it too many times before) but I can't keep up with Astonishing August.

There are 80000000 things that contribute to my having to say this. They are all important and must figure higher on my list of priorities than blogging everyday, and I feel terrible about that. Half of these reasons are to do with my diploma project, and my failure to keep up with so many things at once. As Ze Boyfriend put it when I complained about AA, "You take on more in an attempt to prove you aren't procrastinating, but you are." And he's right. In those moments of immediate and intense inspiration, I don't focus it on the small things but rather create a multitude of other commitments I must share my mindspace for. And it's not a good idea.

Of course my diploma project needs to be the attention whore in my life for the next 2 months, and it's safe to say that concentrating is not my strong suit. I keep trying to think back to how in hell I was able to sit for hours on end doing integration and differentiation back in 12th standard: the answer is I did not have a goddamn laptop of my own, I did not have a phone that could access wifi, I don't think the internet at home was even wi-fi enabled at the time. And now it's all just "yeah lemme just quickly check pinterest and tumblr and twitter and 9gag" and when I feel I'm procrastinating it's "lemme just check some design blogs and get lost in the brilliance that is graphic design so much so that I feel demotivated."

Apart from that, being sick for almost 2 and a half weeks is by far the most tiring thing. Can you imagine coughing so hard that you get dizzy and need to sit down for a minute? That's been happening to me too many times in a day. And it's all just a common cold/flu. It shouldn't have taken it so long, it's almost kinda settled in my chest and every morning my throat is burning in all kinds of different ways. How fucking sad is that. I should be able to handle myself better, because this is very scary actually. And I need to focus on this too, because it's coming in the way of everything else.

The third giant chunk is being at home, which was necessary for a variety of reasons, mainly that I have working parents and my grandparents are almost too old to be able to handle household stuff on their own. It's tons of responsibility and I'm super glad to be there, but it takes a huge amount of time and to balance this on top of everything else is becoming a chore of its own.

I'm really really sorry to everyone who wanted to participate, and a special sorry to Akanksha because she was participating nearly every single day and now I'm a dick to cut this short in between. I don't think I should start this kinda thing up again until I'm absolutely sure I have the time to devote to it (since this is the third time I'm cutting this venture short). However I'll be blogging still, once I'm over being ashamed.

Love in embarrassment,
Kanika

p.s. I've reverted all the AA posts to drafts, so they're not deleted. Maybe in a while when I don't hate myself so much I'll put them back up. :(

Of Love and Other Drugs

Being the douchebag that I am, I missed my blog's third birthday. Three years! My blog is three whole years old! I cannot believe in its existence sometimes. That there is this portal I created for me to talk to myself. And I've ignored it, been angry with it, wanted to shut it down, but I come back to it anyway, because on days when everything else is trying super hard to make me feel terrible, Chaos is what's left behind.

Happy belated birthday Chaos, you are loved! :)

In other news, I've fallen horribly sick and everything feels morose. Every inch of my body goes up in flames of pain when I try to move. This means I can't do anything but rest my laptop on my stomach and scroll through endless distances of tumblr and pinterest, because this is as good an excuse as any to not work. I'm being force-fed a multitude of medicines which leads to long periods of hazy things.

I've come to realise that this diploma project is bringing out the most powerful waves of self-doubt and under confidence. Ze Boyfriend and I are trying super hard to lean on each other and keep our chins up. It's difficult when you look at it head on, but having someone to cry and complain about it with you makes it feel 1235126387% do-able. Fascinating how love can fill up all your gaps.

I'll be back once my nose isn't threatening to fall off.

Love,
Kanika

Stress and all its friends

Turns out that the week-long eye twitch you've been suffering is caused by stress and too much caffeine. Er...

Till I deal with that, this word (and action) needs to become illegal: FAFF.

Ok, back to excruciating eye-twitch worthy work.

"Take your broke ass home!"

Aim: To make sure you're not too sick to fly back to college tomorrow.

Apparatus: One flu-ridden twenty year old, a Macbook Pro with some decent speakers, 8 cups of tea with excess sugar.

Procedure:

1. Wake up with a blocked nose, breathing through your mouth. Make sure you sound like an old, crabby man and cough periodically to prove the same.
2. Croak a desire for a cup of tea. While it's being made, brush your teeth and wash your face in a lame attempt to bring your spirits up.
3. Feel like your sinuses are going to kill you.
4. Take a sip of the hot, freshly prepared, adhrak(ginger) wala chai. Let the heat go right down to your toes and force you to take off your grandmother's sweater that you put on because you nicely did not get any of your sweaters from college.
5. Turn on your laptop. Wince at the opening music of the Macbook's awakening, turn down the brightness of the screen because it makes you want to go blind. Another cup of tea.
6. iTunes bounces on your dock as you click. Go to the playlist you've been listening to on repeat on your brisk walks in the evenings. It's pretty pumped up.
7. Third cup of tea. Gwen Stefani will inform you of her wish to be a 'rich girl'. Gwyneth Paltrow will want to 'forget you'. Fergie will tell you to be 'g-l-a-m-o-r-o-u-s." Soon you will be singing as loudly as your croaky voice will allow.
8. Your mother will walk into the room, expecting you to be in bed with a pained expression and a runny nose. You are actually singing into a hairbrush.

Love,

Kanika

We're Wrong

"We accept the love we think we deserve." - The Perks of Being A Wallflower

Being self-aware is a prized and difficult quality, and the moments of my own where I think I have begun to understand why I am the way that I am make me intensely proud. Right now, for example, I know I don't deserve this, and after days of dealing I'm finally acting on that realisation. Cutting out the hard, terrible and rusty part of the love and trying to keep only the parts that still work. It's not supposed to feel like this, like a punishment, like there is nothing better out there so you stick with the hurtful. Know what you deserve - something that makes you happy. Every person, bad or good, deserves that. I am not a bad person, as much as I'm being convinced. 

Whatever happened to being scarred and broken but proud of it? Being complex and strange and weird but never berating yourself for being unsure?

I'm unsure. Complex. Moody. Sad, mostly. Difficult. But I love you. Let me love you anyway.

Love, 

Kanika

Sleep can't cure this

"Go away," she said,
"leave me be,
to wallow in my misery
to soak up in all this self-pity
because no one seems to care."

Yes, I wrote that. I'm a genius with poetry, am I not?

- I have too many feelings inside me right now, and they are threatening to come in the way of my daily routine. I feel like curling up in bed and sleeping for days so that no one is able to hurt me anymore.

- I want to do another Fantabulous February, except this time it'll be Joyous June. Let me know if it's a good idea and if you would like to join. Read more about FF under the FF label. Click on the top of the post.

- I'm going to spend tomorrow entirely without using an internet connection. I was going to say computer/laptop but I forgot I'm at work and without solitaire to calm me down I will probably brutally beat my fellow intern. No facebook, email, twitter, tumblr or blogging tomorrow. Can I do this? I'm certainly gonna try.

Love with feeling, (if the labels on this post are any indication)
Kanika

Tiresome

I'm getting tired of people. Of having to talk, meet, laugh. The meetings feel pointless. Coming home is a relief.

Had a different sort of talk with granddad today. He talked to me about maturity. He sees sincerity and diligence in me. I don't understand why.

I'm losing faith in people. Everyone is just a terrible version of themselves. I'm tired of being told to not be hurt because the 'real world is a cruel place'. If that's reality I want to go away somewhere far away from it. I want to meet nice people and listen to nice thoughts. I want feeling hurt to be allowed. I want nice people. I want to hear good things.

I feel hurt today. I want to let this feeling get through completely so it doesn't come back to haunt me. This is taking a toll on me already. I abhor myself.

Love in despair,
Kanika

There's this thing about design

The problem with design is, no one's opinion or work is wrong.

Which means that when it comes to giving feedback or telling people what you think about what they've made, you are able to act like a jackass and then get away with it. Because somehow saying "this just doesn't work for me, for reasons I cannot explain" is feedback that I have to try and take something from. How do I do that if you can't articulate for shit? I mean, people on twitter are more vocal in 140 characters than you are with the gift of speech.

Needless to say, I'm ticked off with this internship.

We Found Love

Yellow diamonds in the light
And we're standing side by side
As your shadow crosses mine
What it takes to come alive

It's the way I’m feeling I just can't deny
But I've gotta let it go

We found love in a hopeless place.

Rihanna is a great way to stay up on a night when a deadline has been thrust upon you without warning. Massive

headaches are preceding my every movement. Could it be the incessant bangalore heat with teasing overcast skies? Or a semester that's been easy but this last week that threatens to kill?

Hi you guys.

Love,

Kanika

13th August

I haven't seen you in a while.

I haven't forgotten your face yet. The freckle next to your ear. The way your stubble feels at 4 in the afternoon. Watching you sleep with your mouth open ever so slightly. 

It's been a while and yet here you are, whispering your choice as I stand in front of my open closet and wonder which shade of black to put on today. And then again when I choose between sleep and despair. Once more when I trace over the daisy chain tattoo on my ankle you envied. It took a long deep breath and clenched fists and images of bad nights to remind me of your absence. 

I often feel lonely. Immense love for what we were supercedes all else. The universe conspires against me. It makes me think of you and I lie in bed staring at that crack in the ceiling and I feel a sudden ache envelop me whole.

"The perfect words never crossed my mind,
Cause there was nothin' in there but you.
I felt every ounce of me screaming out,
But the sound was trapped deep in me.
All I wanted just sped right past me,
While I was rooted fast to the earth,
I could be stuck here for a thousand years,
Without your arms to drag me out."

Love,

Kanika

I HAVE been around, just not alive...

Hello my lovely blog.

I remember you, in between the running around to the city getting things ready for the exhibition and lying down on my bed coughing like an old man and popping crocins to prevent the onset of inevitable fever. I miss you, blog.

Hi you guys. I'm here, very much here, reading all your posts on my phone surreptitiously when I can steal a quiet moment away from all the noise and the ruckus. I miss writing. I miss being able to type out my thoughts to share almost as fast as I think them. It's a peaceful feeling I haven't felt in a long time.

Tomorrow's my birthday. In Bangalore for the first time. I don't even know if I have expectations or not. I'm just happy that I have someone new to spend it with...

Coming to that. Another thing I want to tell you. I found someone. He makes me laugh. He stayed up with me the whole night gently massaging my forehead when I had 101 degrees fever. He told me I looked pretty in my pyajamas. I think he's a keeper. :)

Delhi day after. Am I kicked? Quite. It's freezing. I can't wait. Sweaters and heaters and blankets and chai. Aah. I'm home.

Comment. Tell me what you've been up to. Wish me tomorrow :D

Pyaaaaaaaaar,

Kay

Things the past week has taught me.

1. However inviting that plate of gobi manchurian that the guy with the cart next to college created looks, chances are your stomach cannot handle the multitudes of masala and super fast hand motions of the chef. Eat a couple of pieces. And then control yourself.

2. Not having coca cola one day does not mean you are losing interest in that one thing that makes your life beautiful. Don't tell your friends you're getting deaddicted. They'll laugh. [:( ]

3. Never EVER underestimate the soothing powers of long hot water baths.

4. Throwing your head back to laugh while eating Wonka Gobstoppers will make you choke and nearly die.

5. Working with friends seems perfect until it comes to actually WORKing. Youtube will not do your assignments for you. Your GPA will not be calculated on the basis of how well your friends and you can shuffle.

6. Once you find two bloody brilliant songs that have even better videos, you basically listen to them on repeat and piss off your roommate.

play count - 72

 play count - 53

7. I need to write more. I keep thinking of beautiful sentences but before I can jot them down they've vanished.

8. ONE BED CANNOT HOLD TWO PEOPLE.

9. I know nothing about technology. My course makes me feel like that. Yeesh.

10. Big thanks to Priyanka over here at Because I believe in 'The Happily Ever Afters...!' for an award :) ARE MY EYES REALLY SO PRETTY? AW :)

11. Most often, love songs are not about your love story unless the writer knows you. Stop thinking all those beautiful words were written exactly for your life. Other people love and lose too. Specially that Lady Gaga song up there. It is not about you. NOT.

12. Thinking that if you sit in college on a Saturday and work when no one else is around other than your two distracted team mates is an idea that is destined to fail. Hence. Resort to telling yourself not to fuck around and actually do some research.

I took notes. Yeh.

And I took those notes with Sharpies. Are you jealous yet? -_-

13. Forget that thirteenth was your anniversary date.

Bohot pyaar.

Kay

Erm...

I saw this on tumblr. It spoke to me.

If I say a hearty yes it will mean embarking on a journey without your warm hand in mine in a city I knew but one that is familiar no longer. It will mean turning a blind eye as you move on and lock all our happy moments in a box inside my head, all mine to keep, all mine to open on days I miss you just a little too much and smile, thinking about how happy I was with you.

Saying yes entails a new self actualization process, finding myself all over again without your voice in my head telling me it's all worth it in the end. Saying yes means I admit to being on the path of getting over you and I don't know if I'm prepared.

My adventures always handed you the largest role out of anyone else I loved and now I must leave with just your memory, a faint aura of your loveliness, a slight heartache when I find a trace of your handwriting on a piece of paper in the corner of a drawer or a letter from you thrust into the suitcase under my bed. I'll smile at our photographs, knowing we had something beautiful. But for now, I must leave. To embark on my adventure with a hearty yes.

Yah. Sad things happen but then you GET OFF YOUR ASS AND MAKE THEM BETTER!

I've told you I've been ill right?

Well right now I'm in that stage where I sniff frequently enough to illicit "tcha"s from people around me and I cough like a 90 year old man who smoked since he was 12. It's entertaining to watch people jump when a giant phlegm-y cough is suddenly let forth into the atmosphere by that girl in the corner of the doctor's waiting room who looked really harmless but is actually a walking talking germ warehouse.

*beautiful imagery...let us revel in that for a moment*

COUGHCOUGH

So yah. It has been tough to maintain any kind of composure when a coughing fit comes along and claims me whole. My poor dabbling-in-homeopathy grandfather has been trying out multiple medications on me and I've been woken up and asked "IS YOUR COUGH BETTER? BY WHAT PERCENTAGE WOULD YOU SAY?"

(he screams because he's a little hard of hearing, he thinks all of us can't hear.)

And then I'm like, wait man, what the fucking fuck, I am not sitting here and letting a little THROAT PROBLEM make me feel like a senior citizen!

So I took out my camera and tons of glitter.

The end product turned out to be my beautiful new header, and I'm going to take a long long time to get over it :)

YAY. 

Also I added an About Me page on the blog but I became all narcissistic and made it About The Author because I consider myself to be a writer *insert canned laughter here*

Haha. 

Pyaar,

K

p.s. verdict on Google + ? I don't have an opinion yet. Ooh so shocking.

Movies and Sleepless Nights

Friends, I am down with the flu.

This entails:

- Not being able to sleep because of a blocked nose.
- Not being recognized on the phone by any of my friends.
- Being constantly drunk on cough syrup.
- Smoke withdrawal.
- COCA COLA WITHDRAWAL *shudders*
- Walking around with a vicks inhaler stuck up my nose.

And my mother, my dear mother, in an awesome attempt to make me feel better, invited her beautician over, and I'm sitting with my feet in lovely hot water. Never before has a surprise pedicure felt so good.

I'll be watching Delhi Belly sometime this week! Maybe today, if my mother lets me leave the house. So many expectations. Hope it's as awesome as I think it will be :)

Just wanted to say hi to everyone, so

HI :) 

and I'll be back in a day or two with a nicer post. Being sick sucks.

Pyaar,
K