Thursday, May 10, 2012

New Feelings

New theme, new header :) And I adore it. It's very dreamy and unreadable, just to my liking right now. Once I post this I'm going to go on a blogpost deleting spree. Delete all the clutter and make this blog pristine.

There are a couple of big things I'm going to say in this post, so it's going to be a little long. I'm asking you to stay with me right till the end, because it's been a long time since I demanded so much attention in a blog post. My last few posts have been distracted and silly, and I have been waiting in vain for a moment of blog-lovin'. It happened last night but the internet was switched off. So I wrote everything down. I guess sometimes writing things down helps more than typing. The scratching of my pen in a tiny notebook was more soothing than I felt the sound of my keyboard would have been at that moment.

I'm adding numbers to these things simply to break them up. I don't know how else to let this flow.

1. I'm going to quote my diary from last night. I wrote this after an intensely disheartening conversation with Ze Boyfriend.

I just spent an hour on the phone with a boy having to convince him that my love was true and pure. I always thought I'd be in his shoes in a situation like this. Keeping my low self esteem issue and constant need for positive reinforcement aside, I've never had problems in the boy department. I've had pretty good luck actually.
Tonight I was accused of being a heartless monster by a person who till recently has refused to accept that I was flawed. Now I'm a can of worms that just doesn't quit fucking up. Everything I do or utter is a mistake in the making that apologies cannot rectify. I must become a superlative version of myself in order to be worthy of this person's trust once more. The old me would have never stood for it. "What? Dance around on the whim of a boy? Never!" And equal rights would prevail, and that would be that. The new voiceless me, however, is not a force to reckon with. I'm spineless with no opinion...rather with an opinion that does no good and only harm when raised.


Things are looking bleak for me. There is love but there is also disappointment. When did I turn into this person who lets such hurtful things go right over her head without any retaliation? I don't want to be a meek, hollow shell of myself. That's what I'm turning into. Instead of the independent, strong woman I want to be, I'm becoming a characterless little girl.
What is a relationship if not a place for me to have my moments of despair with the absolute assurance that there is someone to help me get out of the pit? I'm not allowed to fall apart. I'm not allowed to be muted, only vibrant. I don't know if that's something I have the strength for all the time.

2. Two days ago while sitting with my paternal grandfather while he wrote some letters, I noticed his right leg jittering. I asked him why he was impatient. (My dad, sister and I have the same habit when we're restless.) He smiled at me. "I'm not impatient...it's Parkinsons."
It was like a slap in the face. Parkinsons? What the fuck? I knew granddad hadn't been keeping very well but it was always a slight weakness or a headache or something of that sort that had easily available instant cures. A Paracetamol. Some lemonade with extra salt. Freshly cut fruits. I always believed he would get better in a day or two. And he always did. But with this, I don't know how to find a solution. I watched in silent horror for the next hour as he quietly clasped his knee, stopped writing, and waited for the shaking to pass, every time it happened. He then asked me to help him put some clothes away.
We opened his army trunk, and my grandmother (who's suffering from really serious short-term-memory loss) stopped being low and both of them together told me stories as we folded clothes that brought tears to their eyes. Like how a certain sweater was my maternal grandfather's and when he passed away two years ago his wife graciously gave them all his warm clothes to my paternal grandfather. That made both of them tear up. It made me feel horrible. Because in the twenty years of my being their granddaughter, I didn't know that the bond between the in-laws was so old and so deep. I left the room after two hours feeling like a different person. I was quiet for the rest of the evening, mulling over the things I had discovered in the same room I spent most of my childhood in.

3. I'm slowly realising that as much as I whine about missing school and how simple everything really was back then, I'm doing absolutely nothing to keep in touch. Actually, that applies to everyone in my life, school or not. I get happy when plans get cancelled. I rejoice at not having to look pretty to meet someone but rather sit at home, drink chai and tweet. That's how strange things have gotten. I don't understand my brain anymore.

So as you can read (if you're still here) my mind is a mixing pot of confusion right now. Confusion but somehow still organized. And I just wanted to put it here, because my blog is the only place where all this makes sense.

Love in utter flux,
Kanika


11 comments:

  1. I cannot tell you how much I relate to this. Love, even the abundance of it, make some nice one moment and deplorable the next. There is just too much baggage.
    And not having to meet people makes me very happy, to a surmountable extent. I don't know. Me and people, together, just don't make sense together.
    And the grandfather bit, is one of those things That happens once in your life, and you hide it in a treasure box.

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    1. Meherrrrr.
      Even your comments are beautiful.
      <3

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  2. To start off with, love the new look :)
    And I can totally relate to point number one. BUT, you should also know that it's merely a phase. You don't need to back down, at the same time, you don't need to be uptight either! A few compromises here and there without actually compromising on one's individuality can work wonders :)

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    1. Thanks ya :)
      I hope it's a phase. And being uptight is a carefully cultivated habit :P
      But yes, I get your point. I will try that :D

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  3. I think the first two years out of college, I did absolutely NOTHING to stay in touch with my friends. I could have almost written the same things. Apart from the ones who joined the same organization as I did, I stayed in touch with none, spoke to none and pretty much erased all existence of college friends. This is very strange, because it was not as if I had a sucky college life. Apparently the falling out of touch happens with everyone, though it came to a point that I realized it was because I loved my job. I did not want to go back to my college, because I was have so much fun in the right now to care. Ofcourse it may not be true about everyone who loses touch with their friends, but for me, it was almost like I wanted to. :)

    I have never had either set of grandparents, so well, I would say, you are extremely lucky. :)

    Love works in strange ways. It all works out in the end. :)

    Cheers,
    Annie.

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    1. Thanks Annie. Your comment made me feel tons better! :)

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  4. Okay, I relate to the fact how a stupid relationship can change you as a person..I mean I too was totally the kind who could not even comprehend dancing to the tunes of a guy. But I have no idea how I judge myself at times after all the fights that we go through. So this is like the perfect time to read someone going through the same. I feel you are a strong person from whatever I read on your blog, you'll scrape through. As far as the blog look goes, it's my favorite so far. Love the geometric patterns on the banner and it goes without saying that you can write even a simple thing like this so beautifully.

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    1. Thanks for calling me a strong person...I don't think I have any strength to speak of but if someone I don't know extremely well tells me this I will believe them because they have no reason to lie to me. :) Thanks Sam! Lots of love.

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  5. Hi there, you.
    A chaos in a strange order of sorts? Yes, I know the feeling. I missed commenting here. :) And you, woman. Starting with your internship tomorrow, hold your head high and get started on what you were before and how you'd like to be. For starters, the blog looks uhh-mazing :)

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    1. Nil. You are aye byoote.
      <3

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  6. If we were home, I'd hug you.

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