It's an ugly word. Who wants to be called 'mature' when you can be called 'fun' or 'happy' or 'carefree'? I don't want to have to worry about things like detergent and domestic help and how much money I've spent on buying tuck for the month (even though I've done it for almost 4 years but right now, this morning, I woke up being scared).
I spoke to my mum last night and there's a wedding in the family happening in Nagpur, and it falls bang in the middle of my holidays. I'm supposed to stay back with my grandparents and sister, get up early and make something for my sister's lunch and send her to school, oversee the kitchen and make sure there's food for all three meals. I'm fucking shitting my pants at the thought of holding the fort by myself. Yes, I'm 20 years old, but I've never had to be this responsible in my entire life. Specially not responsible for other people.
It's probably a good thing, because if I plan to do further studies after this, I'm not going to be in a comfortable college-approved PG with amazing people who were as lost as me when they joined, and being lost together helped us through everything. New places with new people scare me. I feel awkward and silly and watching everyone else become grown up and in control of their lives. I still ask my parents if I can go out with my friends, not so much because there's a possibility of them saying no but to know that I'm still answerable to someone; it's reassuring. It's probably a good thing, I just can't see that yet.
I'm no longer my parents' plus one, I'm an individual by myself with my own identity. I'm just not ready for other people treating me like that.
I'd rather be me right now, sitting inside a blanket fort and watching so much Grey's Anatomy that it begins to depress me.