Friday, February 14, 2014


I've become one of those people who cannot physically function anymore without having either a nervous breakdown or an existential crisis. I'm constantly surrounded by negativity. Finding a quiet place is difficult, but not impossible.

My family has lost 3 people in 12 days. This kind of barrage is mentally attacking.


  1. first, the existential crises and nervous breakdowns are part of who you are, Kanika, they're what makes you an interesting person not only to your readers but also to yourself...if you give it a moment's thought you'll realize you would not want it any other way...look at those around you and think about becoming one of them instead of yourself, you'll see what i mean..

    we all experience deaths, accidents, unexpected losses or some sudden disruption to or destruction of one's place in life from time to time and when they come in bunches it certainly does feel like one is under a psychic didnt say; hopefully you did not lose one particularly close or as young as yourself....deaths to those who are close take a particularly long time to get over, especially if they're unexpected....but the takeaway is that we'll all die someday, and by the time your as old as i am, if you make it that far, much of your family and many of your friends will have passed before you...the only way for one to not have to deal with the death of another is to have died first....

    it's sad that not one of your readers even offered condolences...but you know, death is especially hard for young people to deal with...

    1. Thank you so much for this comment.

      I agree with you that the nervous breakdowns and existential crises are a part of who I am, but there are no good days to balance them out.

      The people we've lost were not particularly close, but all unexpected. Before we had time to process one we were hit again. We try to lose ourselves in the practicality of things at that moment so that we don't have to come to terms with the grief. But once it starts manifesting itself in unhealthy ways we had to address it.

      I don't want to talk about my readers right now, honestly, because I feel I don't write here enough anymore to expect any response from them at all. Your comment made my day. Thank you for taking the time.

    2. thank you for letting me make a difference in your day, Kanika...

      i know you're going through a particularly rough patch now, and when things aren't going well it's hard to imagine a future where things are much, much better, but it always comes....just from reading a few of your posts i can see you're one who cycles from the depths of disorientation or despair to a energetic state when everything is clicking and falling into place for you ...i had times like that when i was younger, but never vacillated to extremes as much as some of my friends, some of whom were brilliant, almost geniuses, just like.van gogh and beethoven, who dealt with the same spells of depression....those other people, who dont struggle through those bouts of despondency, may seem to have an easier life than you; but by not being challenged by their own consciousness, they never grow stronger and remain as psychic children.. .you should learn to look on your distressed periods as a blessing and a strength rather than an affliction and build your self from that base...

      & i'll hang around and watch, ok?

    3. I know exactly what you're saying. It took me 4 years of college to stop trying to not let things get to me. How would I have been true to myself if I tried to suppress how I really felt? And rather than being told to 'get over it', I came to peace with it on my own.

      I am someone who cycles from the lowest of the lows to high altitudes, which makes things slightly easier; the knowledge and assurance from experience that soon things will get better is what keeps me from staying down for far too long. it is a strength to forge on irrespective of what is going on in my head.

      please hang around and watch. i would be glad :)

  2. Just came here to see why you've been quiet for so long.... and I am so sorry man! :( Sadly, I do not have much experience with dealing with this kind of grief, but I do offer my condolences. Hope you & your family are doing better now.