This should be fun

I've been taking very long baths.

Since I'm not at home currently (and it feels so weird to be back in that college time hobo living phase) baths take longer because I must

- wash clothes
- clean bathroom before I bathe
- wipe bathroom floor after I bathe
- carry my toiletries into the bathroom and back into the suitcase
- carry sogging clothes out to the balcony in a heavy ass bucket

But none of this^ can bring down the joy of finding that sweet spot between Antarctica Freezing and Hot as Hell, standing under that strong force of warm water and somehow feeling all your shitty responsibilities clear off your skin, not to mention all the time you get to wallow in your mistakes and find ways to feel invigorated again.

If only.

Haha, anyhow. My final life-determining jury presentation is tomorrow. The amount of stress is my body is making me sick, and it's making me think back to my 12th standard boards. Of course I know now what I didn't know then: the 12th standard boards aren't stressful at all compared to what life throws at you later. But suddenly the still 16 year old side of me began to sulk at her one biggest worry being trivialised. Come to think of it, the stress never really goes away, rather manifests itself in whatever you need to be worried about at that age.

I need to sleep before I pass the point of waking up on time. And Jesus, I sound like a rambling drunk person.

I'll come back to you with jury results, Chaos. Keep the alcohol ready.

because I'm doing exactly what I should be doing at this point: watching Grey's Anatomy and forgetting what day it is.

Love,
Kanika

p.s. follow me on instagram! I'm way more active than a normal human being should be.

The (Highly Beautiful) Fault in our Stars

Last night at 2 am, I was reduced to a blithering, sobbing version of me, just because of some words written by this guy I hadn't heard that much about, about people I hadn't met but knew and understood completely (just marveling at the fact that a book can make me feel as shitty as it did. I'm always surprised by how much books can mean to a person if you give them time and space and love.)

I reached page number 260, curled up in bed with my fairy lights on, almost too aggressively involved in the story but still in control of my heart....and I was crying before I got to the end of the paragraph. It was the sort of sadness that didn't announce itself with a lump in the throat (I find that's a polite introduction to the little crying child you're going to be reduced to). I was reading, gradually getting sadder, and then, BAM, TEARS.

I don't want to tell you anything about this book. I hate it. I hate it so much that I love it like a lunatic, the things it told me and the conversations Hazel and Augustus had, and all I really wanted to do when it ended was just cry into my pillow and want a long, warm hug. That book has taken all my rosy dreams of the future and basically thrown them to the dogs.

It's the feeling when you read something so true that everything else you've known to be true until this moment seems like it was building up right to this point.

I'm so happy I decided to read this book.

John Green, it was a privilege to have my heart broken by you, and this pain demands to be felt.
Thank you.

Love,
Kanika

Unbearable

Somedays it's an explicable spring in my step, some nights an imponderable gloom, and an almost constant will to express but no strength to articulate my brain.

It's been a struggle to not care about the shitty things that happen in a day (because everyone tells you not to care) but I care anyway. It's easier than trying not to. And I feel better about not denying anything that goes on in my head.

I am slowly beginning to realise the things that make me happy. A clean table, a plant on my desk, a good cup of tea, laughing with friends, a cozy nap in the afternoon, people who lend books, a lovable bulldog puppy who plonks his butt into your lap and demands attention, my new-and-improved fairy lights (photos soon!), sharing a cigarette in the dark in the balcony, logo design books, and I could go on and list things that seem so tiny but add up to really really fulfilling days.

All of this, and Fantabulous February is up soon! I almost cannot contain the joy right now :D

So for people who don't know what FF is (where have you been?!) let me take you through.

Fantabulous February is an exercise I cooked up to keep myself engaged in writing, because I began to feel at this time last year that I was losing my love for the written word. It goes like this: every day for the month of February, I'll be posting an image or quote or basically anything which is even half-inspiring, and by the end of the day, I'd have used that inspiration to write a post of my own. It's like forcing yourself into creativity. And the best part, anyone who wants to take part can do so, all you need to do is write a post on your blog, post the image/quote/etc. there too, and once you're done send me a link to that post, because I like including them here :)

This is the FF label, so you can see the crazy prose we came up with last time :) HERE.

YAY FOR BLOGGING AND BLOGGERS AND FEBRUARY AND LOVE AND EVERYTHING.

Love in ecstatic restlessness,
Kanika

Keep Calm and Ca - NO, THANK YOU.

Today, I felt like the most people around me are a mixture of lots of things. Sadly, almost none of these things are happiness-inducing. Arrogance and over-confidence are a deadly set of qualities and it's frustrating to watch people strut around like they own the place. They're going to self-destruct soon enough, and then us socially awkward angels will take over the world.

Coming back to socially awkward, I cleaned my room like a mofo today, and after a marathon session where I think I chucked lots of stuff the 16-year-old me had saved from school for sentimentality, I decided to take the longest hot bath of my life, because I deserved it.

This is me, now: 

The best way to fall asleep is to do it with a book on your face.

Love,

Kanika

A Prick of a Day

Somedays I'm so insightful that I surprise myself, and somedays it's the wine talking.
Either way, I have things to tell you, whoever you are.

It struck me in a moment of disappointment that it's stupid to trust anyone to not break your heart. Even someone who loves you (intensely) is capable of throwing you into the deep end without so much as a log to hold on to, and the water in your lungs makes it hard to ask for help. Of course after all the apologies are exchanged everything is magically alright again, but I wondered last night...are the scars really gone? Didn't the words that were flung at you cut you up so much that you promised yourself you would never face them again? How does a hug and a sorry bandage that?

I always believed if you love someone, all your interactions with them are influenced by your feelings. I  love you so much that even when you piss me off I stay calm (a courtesy I offer to no one but you), lest I say something absolutely atrocious that hurts you. But maybe I'm in the minority, the small group of people who care too much, cry too easily, and let go too fast.

I miss your comments, you guys.

Love,
Kanika

The boy with the bread, the girl who was on fire

I finished the Hunger Games trilogy two days ago. And I am still reeling from how extremely brilliant it is.

All three books are beautifully written stories that leave you hanging on to every word, every page, and the breaks are so irritatingly well timed that you feel like you haven't flipped the page fast enough. Katniss Everdeen is my new hero. No exaggerated glory, just a seventeen year old who gets hurt and breaks, has moments when she shines. It's easy to connect to her because her feelings seem real, though the setting is such a fantasy. Peeta Mellark is of course my new fictional crush (a close second to Draco Malfoy and Artemis Fowl). An honest, sincere, gorgeous man.

I love coming home because somehow when I'm here I get through books really fast. I try reading while I'm away at college but I never manage to get into that unbreakable flow that I immediately find here. It's been a week and I've finished 5 books. Flipkart has just delivered two more to me. The Perks of Being A Wallflower, I'm 87 pages in. It's my new all time favourite. I wanted to read it before the Emma Watson movie of the book came out. At this rate I'll be through it tonight. The other book I've ordered is Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close. Heard rave reviews. Will test them, soon!

Gais. Y U NO comment.

Love,
Kanika

p.s. - looking to start a digital illustration blog. Anyone interested to co-create? Drop me an email. 

Lots to do, lots to do

Posting some photos from the past 5-6 days. :)
50 mm lens is doing such pretty things to all the photos I click. I'm enjoying it so much!

The trusty gadget that has helped me through shitloads. Gave it a makeover the other day with tons of new music and great games :D

 Boyfriend drinks coffee, I drink tea, but we manage :P

 Can't remember who clicked this. Drunk nights :P

He clicked this when we went out to lunch, and then,

I clicked this one. :)

Illustration course outcome - make a mask. Still unfinished. 

Me :) And look how colourful the room is.

The leaves I paint.

Work breaks :)

One maaaaaaad night when roommate and I got sloshed and did hilarious shit. 

Also.

I was thinking of making February a blog-everyday-month.

Like, everyday I find something like a song, a photograph, a piece of art and blog about it, almost like a response. Is there anyone who wants to do this with me? We could find things by turn, email them to whoever wants to do it and link to each others' blogs like that. A written response isn't necessary. You could use that as an inspiration to make anything.

Write your email in the comments. And if people want to do it even into the month they can join in whenever! And if it's successful maybe we'll do it again!

LET ME KNOW!

Meher, Anshul, Nil, Sampoorna, Kuhu (if your boards are not killing you already) you all are in by default. Don't back out or I'll send you all virtual slaps.

Ok bye :)

Love,

Kanika

Diwali happened

So like I told you guys, I'm home for diwali for the first time in three years, and my first day home was awesome fun. But the next day, someone close to my family passed away after a long and very tedious fight with cancer, and it's been a little down since.

I did more cool things. I bought books.

I went to nani's house and met cute children.

haha.

love, 

kay

Four Books

Four books :)

1. Harry Potter series

2. Adam & Eve & Pinch Me

3. The Time Traveler's Wife

4. Memoirs of a Geisha