Afternoon spliff

You know what's my favourite time of the day?

That hour right after a nice 1 pm mini meal known as lunch. 2 pm to 3 pm in summer, winter, monsoon, autumn...it's not too late in the 24 hour cycle but not too early either. Just right to get into bed with a cozy book and maybe drift into a nap.

I'm hella high.

Brooklyn Baby

getting drunk in my room at 2.43 am as my best friend sleeps next to me and i read thoughtcatalog.

what happened to my life? not that i hate the way things are. im quite content with my old monk and coke, thank you.

hey guys. im gonna delete this blog soon and start a new one, where i can crib about my life all over again.

who wants in?

love,
kanika

Opening up the trunks

"The saddest part, of a broken heart,
isn't the ending, so much as the start."

Ah! How I love this blank box waiting to be typed into. I missed it!

Hello, blog. Hello, people who still read my blog. It's been such a crazy exhausting two weeks (or more) of things and people and dancing for the seniors farewell and getting giant banners printed and saying hello to my zits (Bob and Pete).

So let me see. It's almost the middle of December: almost time to go home to a wondrous Delhi winter, endless cups of hot tea, and this time, my poor boyfriend who has no clue just how cold it's going to be. It's also almost my birthday, which means I have 10 days to get ready for the end of the world and turning 21. No pressure.

I've been having interesting conversations. Experiencing new things. One night, I sat in a corner and observed things as they stopped making sense. Gravity seemed strange. Things existed but with no purpose. It was such a weird feeling. Watching things happen but no longer comprehending the physics. Being so removed from the place where you understand. And smiling through it. I felt like I reached a different dimension. I didn't share this with anyone (except the internet).

You don't necessarily have to share every thing great you experience. Sometimes those moments are meant only for you.

Like me, drinking beer at 1 pm because my ex-roommate graduated last night and left for home this morning. This is meant only for me. To think about how I'll be graduating next year at this time, and I'm scared shitless.

Articulate Silences

Hi everybody, you don't have to miss me anymore, I'm back for good! It's been so long since I clicked on 'New Post'. It feels great. I feel great.

Lots of alone time and new music leads to constant epiphanies. Boredom helps, mostly. Being quiet has its advantages. I feel terrible for not telling you what I've been thinking and feeling, it's been nearly a month and I haven't found the words to explain it. It's a strange calm which is irritating everybody around me because it's making me put myself before everyone. I want to be a better person, and I needed to retreat for a while and let these feelings wash over me so that they never come back. I've gone into a cave of silence. It's tranquil. Nothing bothers me here. Whatever had the capacity to get under my skin no longer occupies any space in my mind..leaves so much more room for happiness. :)

I've been-

keeping my room clean,

spending hours on filing my nails,

drinking 3 cups of green tea in a day,

not giving a damn,

not talking to anyone,

pissing off my boyfriend,

reading books,

watching way too much Community,

singing loudly and badly,

spending no money (doesn't mean I'm saving it),

drawing and listening to new music which is lovely,

drinking chai in the rain,

taking baths that are way too long and relaxing,

feeling too much and too little at the same time,

avoiding conflict and creating it,

dancing alone with my fairy lights on,

eating apples,

not talking to people who bore me,

unapologetically rude,

writing in my mind and not in my journal,

missing some people who decided to leave me alone for their own good,

reading things I wish I had written,

smiling to myself.

College isn't feeling very challenging, only boring and demotivating, and it's getting intensely difficult to find ways to push myself. The past three weeks haven't been that hectic, but next week promises a shit-storm of great magnitude. I'm prepared. 

And I'm going to try to post at least once every two days. I took three weeks off, and it's time to be attached to this blog again. Starting with how it looks now, I'm loving the minimal clean feel. Comments are very welcome and much loved. :)

Love,

Kanika

In That Moment

I feel divine.

Nothing can ever break this feeling, this wondrous feeling of being the strongest person in the whole world. The most inspired person in the entire solar system.

I feel small.

Every unexplained shadow, every unfamiliar noise, something out of the corner of your eye without a face. An intense acceleration of the heart.

I feel...content.

A warm glow pulsating from my temples to my toes, filling me up with light and a level of calm which is paramount. Smiling and finding things to smile for.

It's a strange night with provoking music.

It's an 'us' sort of evening

I remember that terrace.

We sat there for many evenings without telling anyone, it was our little happy secret. Quiet some days, vociferously talkative another. Different days, different people. I found myself there, somewhere, tangled in those conversations I never dared to have with anyone else but you. Maybe it was in the way you always understood. Or how calm you made me feel in the midst of that chaos that was below. It might have been the way your words echoed in my head for days after they had been uttered.

I remember you.

Between days of melancholy and finding things to smile for. 

Lots to do, lots to do

Posting some photos from the past 5-6 days. :)
50 mm lens is doing such pretty things to all the photos I click. I'm enjoying it so much!

The trusty gadget that has helped me through shitloads. Gave it a makeover the other day with tons of new music and great games :D

 Boyfriend drinks coffee, I drink tea, but we manage :P

 Can't remember who clicked this. Drunk nights :P

He clicked this when we went out to lunch, and then,

I clicked this one. :)

Illustration course outcome - make a mask. Still unfinished. 

Me :) And look how colourful the room is.

The leaves I paint.

Work breaks :)

One maaaaaaad night when roommate and I got sloshed and did hilarious shit. 

Also.

I was thinking of making February a blog-everyday-month.

Like, everyday I find something like a song, a photograph, a piece of art and blog about it, almost like a response. Is there anyone who wants to do this with me? We could find things by turn, email them to whoever wants to do it and link to each others' blogs like that. A written response isn't necessary. You could use that as an inspiration to make anything.

Write your email in the comments. And if people want to do it even into the month they can join in whenever! And if it's successful maybe we'll do it again!

LET ME KNOW!

Meher, Anshul, Nil, Sampoorna, Kuhu (if your boards are not killing you already) you all are in by default. Don't back out or I'll send you all virtual slaps.

Ok bye :)

Love,

Kanika

Somebody That I Used To Know

Walk out the door, I told you and between your screams of protest I grabbed you by the collar and threw you out. Away from my life, my home, my little bubble of happiness I created all by myself when you left me in the middle of everything. You’re making it break, I told you, as I hauled you on to my porch, you’re ruining everything, you always do, you’re the proverbial stupid spanner in my life of tiny, relentless works.

Tiny is a horrible word, especially when you use it excessively in your head to describe your own value, and worse when someone else put the word in your head. It’s not a welcome addition to my mental self-esteem dictionary, and I have solely you to thank for it. You’re a frequent contributor, actually. You must find that amazing, knowing that so long after your physical absence in my general scheme of things, you still hold the irritating place in my head- the voice at the back of it.

Detachment is a word that sounds bereft to begin with, used in a sentence generates a feeling of pity. Aw, you poor thing, having to slowly hammer away at that shrine in your heart you built for something. You poor, poor thing. I wish I could help, but I’m afraid I have no intention to.

I wish that dashed line would erase itself in a fireball of sentimentality. You wish I lost my way with words so that I no longer had the ability to make you insanely guilty and highly relieved at the same, exact time. Guilty because you thought you turned me into this subtly crazy version of myself, and relieved because you left before the worst of me came along. We wish there was an easier way to conduct ourselves at these uncommon bonding sessions – a way to get much farther away than ever considered possible, and right now we don’t know what way we’re going.

The function of love no longer an easy prescription, you kissed my cheek and left me standing there, the back of your head bobbing away in a painfully familiar rhythm. See you soon, I couldn’t help but whisper. 

See you soon.

Love,

Kanika

Photo Of The Day, 14th Feb

I love this lamp. 

(:

How was Valentines' Day, people? I had quite a non-obtrusive celebration. One rose, one chocolate, one pretty note that says I have lovely eyes (teehee) :)

Tum batao!

Bohot pyaar.

And I scatter stars.

As he walks away from me, I scatter stars.

It rains, and I cry. He walks away from me.

The stars glint, shine, sparkle. My tears do too.

 I love you, I scream.

Stars scatter.

Retreating back. Not a word, not a smile, not a tear.

Raining down on me. I don’t want you to go.

Love.

Scatter they do.

A pause. A turn. Do you? YES.

Ceaseless, unending fire, constant, incessant; pain.

He walks away, slowly, from me.                                 

I love you too, he murmurs. Maybe.

And they scatter, far away from me, like him.

I lifted my head from the wreckage. There were pieces of me everywhere. The silence was deafening. So bloody LOUD.

I looked to my side, and I saw nothing. A vast expanse of emptiness. My gaze turned downwards, and I couldn’t see my feet.

That was when I heard the scream.

It was painful. It spoke of sorrow. Of grief, anguish and agony. It wrenched at my heart, clawing it out of my chest. It punished my ears, and tortured my eyes. Struggled with my brain, told it to shut up. It made me want to curl up and strangle myself to death. What scared me most was that it was from my lips.

And then I looked up, and you blinded me.