Trial

Yo, anyone up for *insertadjectivehere* August? Lemme know in the comments! QUICK!

Also, if you say yes, please be a nice helpful person and email inspiration (photographs, quotes, youtube links, whatever you fancy - but please also send in the source/artist so I can credit them) to me at kanika.kaul22@gmail.com.

Also, if you have no idea what I'm talking about, click on this.

Please let me know as soon as possible so I can begin gearing up! I really need something to focus on other than work and sniffing into a handkerchief for days.

Love love,
Kanika 

Unbearable

Somedays it's an explicable spring in my step, some nights an imponderable gloom, and an almost constant will to express but no strength to articulate my brain.

It's been a struggle to not care about the shitty things that happen in a day (because everyone tells you not to care) but I care anyway. It's easier than trying not to. And I feel better about not denying anything that goes on in my head.

I am slowly beginning to realise the things that make me happy. A clean table, a plant on my desk, a good cup of tea, laughing with friends, a cozy nap in the afternoon, people who lend books, a lovable bulldog puppy who plonks his butt into your lap and demands attention, my new-and-improved fairy lights (photos soon!), sharing a cigarette in the dark in the balcony, logo design books, and I could go on and list things that seem so tiny but add up to really really fulfilling days.

All of this, and Fantabulous February is up soon! I almost cannot contain the joy right now :D

So for people who don't know what FF is (where have you been?!) let me take you through.

Fantabulous February is an exercise I cooked up to keep myself engaged in writing, because I began to feel at this time last year that I was losing my love for the written word. It goes like this: every day for the month of February, I'll be posting an image or quote or basically anything which is even half-inspiring, and by the end of the day, I'd have used that inspiration to write a post of my own. It's like forcing yourself into creativity. And the best part, anyone who wants to take part can do so, all you need to do is write a post on your blog, post the image/quote/etc. there too, and once you're done send me a link to that post, because I like including them here :)

This is the FF label, so you can see the crazy prose we came up with last time :) HERE.

YAY FOR BLOGGING AND BLOGGERS AND FEBRUARY AND LOVE AND EVERYTHING.

Love in ecstatic restlessness,
Kanika

We Will Be Changed

Hello!

Let me share my state of mind and its uncertain nature in these photos. Literally, ten minutes apart.

I have long since given up trying to understand my brain.

One thing though. Few days ago, I was rightly slapped back into reality from the soulless abyss I was falling into. Ze boyfriend pulled me up, dusted me down, and gave me a talking to I most rightly deserved. No more cribbing and whining, I'm telling myself, I'm going to start spreading only sweetness and light.

It's very easy to make these pronouncements at 12.24 am when you know you can't sleep till at least 3. I'm not fretting at the thought though. I'm looking forward to it. There's something about the feeling...8tracks playlists in my ears, my fairy lights keeping me company at unearthly hours, and just me and Adobe Illustrator. It's therapeutic. And for a while it hadn't been. I'm happy it's here again. :)

Anywho, the good(er) news is, Akanksha (click here for her lovely blog) has bestowed me with this, and I need to do some things in order to receive it completely.

1. Thank the person who nominated you and link back.

2. State 7 random facts about yourself.

3. Answer the questions the tagger asked you.

4. Generate questions for people you want to award.

5. Inform them.

Okay, then.

1. Thank you Akanksha! You are very lovely and I hope you continue finding my blog worth your reading time :) linked back already! <3 p="p">

2. Seven Random Facts About Me

• I've cut my own hair once out of frustration.
• Most mornings I wake up with chai withdrawal; expecting me to be polite before my morning cuppa is widely considered futile.
• I'm curently in the middle of reading 5 books. (Catcher in the Rye, To Kill a Mockingbird, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, The Fountainhead, some random chick novel) Time isn't on my side. Come my two week Delhi vacation, and they'll all be crossed off my list.
• I don't lend my earphones.
• I've stopped lending books once they started coming back in terrible shape.
• I follow too many TV shows at a time.
• I procrastinate a LOT.

3. Akanksha's questions:

If you had a pig, what would you name it?-

I would name it Chamkili. (sparkly in Hindi)

How do you exert most energy? =P 

Sitting on my ass, watching Grey's Anatomy, eating Cheetos (I wish I could lose calories doing that, I would be invisible by now)

What do you think would happen if your dog ate your sunscreen?

Nothing really. I don't have a dog, I can try it out on my little sister and tell you :P

Why doesn't McDonald's sell hotdogs?

I HAVE BEEN ASKING THE SAME THING. IT'S CRIMINAL. I WANT MCDOGS.

Do prison buses have emergency exits?

Ooh I love witty questions, sadly my answers never match up. But no, I guess not.

Why can't doughnuts be square?

There has to be some physics thing to this...

I googled it.

"It's to allow maximum capacity and less breakage when being filled by machine with a filling such as custard or jelly. A square doughnut would break at the corners and so would a triangular doughnut.And having a hole in the middle of the dough would increase the surface area of the dough to improve the texture when fried. Also, a round doughnut is the easiest to create when cooking because most types of dough round out when baked unless put into a special tray. The round doughnut is also much more appealing to the eye than a square or triangular doughnut...no matter how cool those would be :D
Also its easier to make...you just roll the dough out...cut it and connect the two sides to make a circle.

And having a hole in the middle of the dough would
increase the surface area of the dough to improve the texture when fried."

:D

Are children who acted in rated R movies allowed to see them?

Haha NO WAY. Rather, I hope not. But I'm sure during shooting they see way more than they bargained for anyway.

Does a postman deliver his own mail?

It's possible! Heck, that's awesome, his mail's never gonna get lost.

Why are the shoe sizes different for a man and a woman of the same height?

Biologically, women are smaller. It's an evolutionary thing.

Okay, can't get anymore crazier. Review my blog. =P

Akanksha! You are such a cute little person. Your posts are so much fun to read and I laugh out loud sometimes :) Just one tiny suggestion: the font size could be a tad smaller and have a subtler colour. Sorry! Graphic design student up in da hood :P

4. Oh no! My questions to you guys:

- Do you believe in miracles?

- What is the most beautiful place you've ever been in?

- Who is your favorite band/artist and why?

- Is 2012 really the end of the world?

- If you had to choose between travelling the entire world and going to the moon (money no bar) which     would you choose?

- What's the most delicious thing you've ever eaten?

- Review my blog :P (I LOVE THIS QUESTION)

- Lastly, in the words of Arthur Weasley, what exactly is the function of a rubber duck?

5. Award people.

This is me being my uncharacteristically sweetness-and-light self.
Whoever is reading this post, you're awarded. Anyone who's feeling good about themselves today can choose to reward themselves for feeling good. And those who are on the dark side of things today, well, here's a pick-me-up, this award's yours :)

Going to post more soon!
Love,

Kanika

Articulate Silences

Hi everybody, you don't have to miss me anymore, I'm back for good! It's been so long since I clicked on 'New Post'. It feels great. I feel great.

Lots of alone time and new music leads to constant epiphanies. Boredom helps, mostly. Being quiet has its advantages. I feel terrible for not telling you what I've been thinking and feeling, it's been nearly a month and I haven't found the words to explain it. It's a strange calm which is irritating everybody around me because it's making me put myself before everyone. I want to be a better person, and I needed to retreat for a while and let these feelings wash over me so that they never come back. I've gone into a cave of silence. It's tranquil. Nothing bothers me here. Whatever had the capacity to get under my skin no longer occupies any space in my mind..leaves so much more room for happiness. :)

I've been-

keeping my room clean,

spending hours on filing my nails,

drinking 3 cups of green tea in a day,

not giving a damn,

not talking to anyone,

pissing off my boyfriend,

reading books,

watching way too much Community,

singing loudly and badly,

spending no money (doesn't mean I'm saving it),

drawing and listening to new music which is lovely,

drinking chai in the rain,

taking baths that are way too long and relaxing,

feeling too much and too little at the same time,

avoiding conflict and creating it,

dancing alone with my fairy lights on,

eating apples,

not talking to people who bore me,

unapologetically rude,

writing in my mind and not in my journal,

missing some people who decided to leave me alone for their own good,

reading things I wish I had written,

smiling to myself.

College isn't feeling very challenging, only boring and demotivating, and it's getting intensely difficult to find ways to push myself. The past three weeks haven't been that hectic, but next week promises a shit-storm of great magnitude. I'm prepared. 

And I'm going to try to post at least once every two days. I took three weeks off, and it's time to be attached to this blog again. Starting with how it looks now, I'm loving the minimal clean feel. Comments are very welcome and much loved. :)

Love,

Kanika

Clarity

"I used to rule the world
Seas would rise when I gave the word
Now in the morning I sleep alone
Sweep the streets I used to own."

Oh, Chris Martin, you beautiful being.

Hello, world.

I feel so much more at peace with my feelings these days, whether the feelings themselves are of unrest and anger. It just feels good to not deny the chance of feeling a certain way, be it tired or happy or calm or stressed. Feel each feeling through, right till the bone, till you simply cannot feel it any longer. Maybe this newfound contentment is due to the multiple cups of chai I've been treating myself to. Or just being (or forcing myself to be) so calm about everything.

It's a good day. Here, have some love :*

Love, 

Kanika

In That Moment

I feel divine.

Nothing can ever break this feeling, this wondrous feeling of being the strongest person in the whole world. The most inspired person in the entire solar system.

I feel small.

Every unexplained shadow, every unfamiliar noise, something out of the corner of your eye without a face. An intense acceleration of the heart.

I feel...content.

A warm glow pulsating from my temples to my toes, filling me up with light and a level of calm which is paramount. Smiling and finding things to smile for.

It's a strange night with provoking music.

Maybe I need to write a book

I've been at home and only home for 5 days now. Five days full of feeling. 

I've been in the middle of a lot of conversations lately. I've been watching more news on TV than I have in the entire duration of my being in Bangalore. TV people no longer know how to conduct a debate, it consists only of fat old politicians yelling at each other and making a fool of themselves. People around me yell across rooms and parks and into gadgets. The decibel levels make me cringe and shudder. Who talks softly anymore? And is there anyone who still values the beauty of silence?

I feel closer to a person with whom I am able to share a comfortable and non-awkward silence. That's the real test of a relationship...are you able to still feel together when you're not verbally showing it? There is so much more said in the lack of words than in their abundance. I've been keeping my thoughts to me for a few days and it's overwhelming, but fulfilling. And when I do say something, I make sure it's honest, and clear. It makes for less chance of conflict...with family, with boyfriend, with friends. If you tell someone exactly how you feel in the clearest way possible they never have to assume what you think, and there is simply no room for miscommunication or misunderstanding. I've been trying really hard to not let my short temper explode at the littlest things, and it was difficult at the beginning when everyone turned into a complete asshole. People are inconsiderate and no one is inherently nice anymore. I had to stop deluding myself into thinking that people like being polite; they don't. Everybody's default setting is jackass. And the sooner I realised that, the sooner it got easier to be carefree. I'm not going to be all zen and say that you should stay calm no matter what...if someone's mean to you, I'd say give it back. Subtly maybe, so that your karma doesn't get all screwed up.

Being at home for these two months has taught me tact, has made me quieter than I have ever been, happier in many ways and sad in some. I'm glad I interned here. I needed time with my family. 

Coorg tomorrow. This trip is going to be insane. I'M GOING TO MAKE IT FUN. :D

I'm sorry about the silence on the blog. I think I explained the reasons for it, up there. But let me get back to college and the many emotions it brings, and soon I shall be a chatterbox again.

Love in excitement and tranquility,

Kanika

Speechless

That awkward moment when your boyfriend asks you why you haven't been caring about your face recently.

My answer: staring back at him with a mouth half open and chapped lips, my tired eyes wide.

Okay, I told myself, enough. Just enough.

Just had an energetic cold shower and washed some clothes, and now Imma attack my messy table.

I have decided to meet him only once everything in my life is orderly and clean.

HELLS YEAH.

Is this what's going to happen for another 361 days?

I think 2012 is going to be awesome for me.

I'm basing this entirely on the fact that at when the clock struck 12 on the cold foggy night of 31st December 2011, I was going ape shit playing a game called Bejewelled on my laptop, and once the hour begun, my scores began to skyrocket.  Of course it's legit.

In the first four days of January 2012,
- Flipkart has surprised me by delivering a tripod to my house (my aunt ordered it for my birthday and gave my mailing address, beautiful surprise)
- My mom got vouchers that enabled us to eat (free) for a pretty extravagant amount at a pretty extravagant restaurant (she knew the Vice President of Operations, and last night, let me tell you, I have not seen so many plates of chicken on a single table my whole life)
- My parents decided I deserved something awesome for being the beautiful daughter that I always am so in a couple of days I should be receiving a 50 mm f/1.8 lens! For those who aren't so aware of this kinda stuff, basically, my pictures are going to get beautiful (wistful sigh)
- I met the ex, and things went way better than I expected (And I had expected kill-me-now bad, so anything would have topped that) in the sense that we parted at least as friends who might feel the need to call each other once in a blue moon to ask what's up :)
- My mom also got me graphic design work for her hotel where she works (the work doesn't involve a lot of my brain usage) but in case they love it, someone's gonna get riiiiiiiiiich
- Between all this it's a little lame but after a year of struggling to find a way to store 67 pairs of earrings (and a way that makes it easy to carry them when I'm travelling to and from home) mother and I found a perfect set of cute little plastic drawers (color coded now, of course) and I have to say, life is more efficient now that I don't spend at least 20 minutes in the morning trying to untangle earrings in order to make my outfit pop.

It's been a good four days. Yes sir :)

I recently discovered pinterest, a site much like tumblr with really sweet things to find, so here are some I found in the morning today and wanted to share. (You can make an account only if someone already on it invites you through email, so in case you're interested drop your email in the comments, I'll invite you :) )

Just simply for the thought.

-ditto-

What a cool way to organize necklaces and other pieces of jewellery!

This is by far one the nicest things I've seen in a while. Basically, for the whole year, you keep adding little notes to the jar about, say, a good day, a nice incident...whenever something nice happens you write it down and drop it in this. And then on New Years' Eve you can open it up again and look back on what a happy year it's been! Not a difficult thing to keep up with either. I've gotta try this :)

To end this post, here's a mad gif from photos taken yesterday (with the new tripod :D )...It's going to be a good year. I'm going to make it one.

Pyaaaaaaaar,

Kanika

Facebook Page - http://www.facebook.com/pages/Sensitive-Chaos/214577215223293 GO LIKE IT! go go go go!

What Happened Next?

My birthday happened.

There are no pictures of that night, that fucking brilliant kickass night when everyone made me feel so loved, so important, and we got hammered and happy and everyone went to sleep feeling tired and satisfied. I'm glad there aren't any pictures. We would've posed and not let ourselves go the way we did. It was amazing. And they planned a treasure hunt for me all over our colony with little gifts to go along with each clue. *sighs contentedly at the memory* I'm hoping my birthday happens in Bangalore again next year, simply for how happy everyone else was to have a reason to chill just before the break and right after a mad maaaad week of so-much-work-we-nearly-died.

The day though, I have photos, just me and the New Boyfriend went out to the city, ate some nice food, bought some books and walked down Brigade Road hand in hand. :)

I BOUGHT BOOKS! HELLS YEAH!

This isn't the amazing food we ate, we just didn't take pictures there. But then no birthday is complete without junk food for me. So we thought, McDonalds FTW. The fries sucked, fyi.

At the music shop, Hysteria, where we went little bonkers looking at the posters and then at their prices *cringes at the memory*

This is him, at three different times of the day - At the first nice restaurant, then outside Hysteria, and then the bus home. I guess it wasn't everyone's birthday. Ha.

The day after was spent at the airport, as my flight got delayed slowly and steadily and built up to 5 hours worth, with friends who also felt sure that this is how we would die, sitting in plastic chairs in a glass building watching everyone's else planes take off and wondering if ours was ever destined to. I was supposed to reach home at deliciouslunchtime and feast on kashmiri mutton but I guess my family got bored of waiting and when I finally trudged in to my living room at 9 pm instead of 2 I got to eat daal. Oh joy.

The next day we pushed off to Chandigarh and I don't know if you remember but that's where the two cutest Nepali kids are, they've been mentioned on my blog more than a couple of times. And I can't talk about them without pictures. Prepare to melt. If you're allergic to cuteness I suggest you look away. :)

God I could eat him. Meet Mohit. ^

And that's Rohit, his elder brother. And the two together are called 'Those 2 Rascals' by my grandmother.

Their mum oiled their hair and combed it to one side, and when they came back to play all of us couldn't help but laugh.

Mohit tells me to look at the camera.

One morning :)

:)

!

My sister took this one and it's too hilarious to not share :D

:D

Hahahaha this one always makes me smile!

The day after this we left for a quick two day trip to Shoghi, a tiny town near Shimla in Himachal Pradesh, and I have more gorgeous pictures to show from there!

(I didn't realise how picture heavy this post will be!)

happy parents!

sister and dad :)

nani and mum.

Shimla photos hereon.

in an antique bookstore.

church!

in a shop :P

From Shoghi.

Road up to where we stayed.

- pictures end here - :P

Anywho. It's 30th December and I have no plans for tomorrow, something I am very glad about, because honestly sitting at home with your family, drinking wine and eating good food and watching tv on NYE is so underrated but it's actually really satisfying. I'm going to keep that tradition alive this year too. :)

What are your plans for tomorrow? Tell me in the comments! And sorry for being so quiet. As you can see, I was busy :) 

Missed you all! Pyaaar :)

Kanika

Inspiration for a lazy mind

http://newspaperblackout.com/

Check it out. instant poetry with a piece of found text and a marker.

I must pledge to do this every day. But I am a lazy pig and I will probably sleep my way out of it.

In other news. My relationship is now three years old. Happy happy yay. :)

Also as you can see, I changed my header. That necklace was bought on pure whim and without a trial but it turned out to be a beautiful and (cheeaaaaap) impulse buy. How sometimes it pays to killer collarbones :P

Pyaar,

K