Hashtag Sad Face

"And at once I knew, I was not magnificent."

If you want to know someone, really know someone, listen to the songs they talk to you about. Watch them listen to these songs and notice their faces and their bodies change with the music. People might go really quiet and close their eyes and just sway. Or get on top of the nearest table and sing into a hairbrush. Watch them. You'll learn a part of them they wouldn't be able to outrightly display. People come to terms with themselves through their favourite music. Whether it's Carly Rae Jepsen or Sufjan Stevens, they find something in the melody, or in the words, or in the memory it provokes. Don't disregard their love for a song you can't stand; it made them feel something they probably can't even really explain to you.

Which is why I fucking hate music. (saying this only for dramatic effect)

Recently, Bon Iver made me stay up till 6 am and cry for reasons I'm entirely unsure of. How the hell are you supposed to go about with your day when you hear a sound that makes you sit up for a second and notice the goosebumps running down your back? And how is it that the new Coldplay song, in one play, had got stuck into the very recesses of my brain and refused to leave for the entire week? I'm humming it all the time. A screen capture from the video is my desktop wallpaper. You don't get it. It's a disease.

Hey Chaos, stay around.

Love,
Kanika

∆

- if your body aches and your head threatens to explode with a hundred degree fever, gather some courage, get out of bed and go for a boiling hot water shower.

- if you're procrastinating and you know you can't afford to waste more time to but you can't get yourself to stop, try to figure out why you're consciously putting that task off.

- if you eat healthy for long enough, junk food will lose its appeal (though you are kinda entitled to midnight cravings sporadically :) )

- take time off to feel gross and stay in your pajamas all day.

- reply to people who text you or IM you. Make plans.

- find a quiet and distracting way to be angry. Shut your phone and listen to some music and make yourself a sandwich. Eat it angrily. Breathe.

- don't make people feel shitty about things they like. Put yourself in their shoes. Justin Bieber is good-looking whether you believe it or not.

- don't consciously be rude because you believe it's funny. It's not. You're a dick.

- lists make everything better again.

Ho Hey!

Here I am, sitting with the lights off at 10 am because the cloudy skies and torrential downpour outside are exponentially beautiful this way (and I can ignore the thoughts of how much mud is being generated right now), sipping a steaming hot cup of sheer chai, very impatiently waiting for my flipkart orders to reach me, also sheepish because I know this post is LONG LONG LONG LONG LONG overdue.

Hello chaos and chaosmakers, I'm here finally, over the initial time-and-space-eating black hole called 'vacation', having gone for 2 separate holidays with my parents in the span of two weeks. I've been busy, in the way that being home after a long time makes you busy: sleeping, eating, sleeping, reading, eating, baking, sleeping. Hence the silence over here: I've either been asleep, or I've been sitting in some tiny village in Himachal Pradesh and staring at mountains.

I'm back for good.

Love,
Kanika

Enticing Solitude

A blog award slipped right past, but I'm giving it the attention it deserves now. Akanksha, you lovely thing, thank you! :)

So the rules of this 'Creative Blogger' award are:

1. Thank the blogger and link back to their blog.
done and done!

2. a) Tell us three things about yourself.
one, I'm a hothead.
two, I love to sing!
three, I always take hot water baths, no matter the weather.

2. b)Tell us two things people don't know about you.
one, I hate cake. (sorry, I really am)
two, I use hair serum (really ran out of things to say)

2. c)Tell us one thing you want to change about yourself.
my temper, most definitely. I wish I was inherently calmer.

3. Answer the questions asked by the blogger.

a. What if pigs actually have money inside them? Would you slice 'em up to check?

HAHAHAHAHA OMG WHAT?!

Well now that you mention it, it might just be a possibility, but the only reason I'd slice a pig is for pork.

b. What is the worst pick-up line you've been hit upon by?

Not the worst but most recent.

sigh.

c. Which God do you presume is a fashionista?

Aphrodite, obviously! Also maybe Artemis. (sorry Greek mythology is too interesting!)

d. Do you believe in hate at first sight?

Hell yeah.

e. Is Polo an illegitimate kid to doughnuts?

No, just trying too hard.

f. What made Passion Fruit have the name it does?

It's loud and complex and interesting, just like its namesake.

4. Nominate other bloggers.

Isha, at Chaai, Paani, Etc. 

I love her & miss her blogging!

Nilanjana, at ~Nil.

because she's lovely and happy and beautiful. :)

Kshipra, at Muse-Ment

for being delightful and profound. <3 p="">

And Maryam, at Overwhelming Confessions

one of the most beautiful bloggers I know :)

5. Ask questions to the bloggers you nominated.

Choose between (and tell us why)

a) the beach and the mountains

b) chocolate and vanilla

c) heels and flipflops

d) holi and diwali

e) glasses and contact lenses

6. Inform the bloggers you nominated.

On my way!

Love love,

Kanika

How To Start Your Day - Lessons in Life 101

Saw this here.

I'm going to try and and think about this every morning, after I'm done whining about getting up.

You guys don't comment and it makes me sad.

Ok bye.

Inconsequential

'Ello, 2013 and all.

The past 15 days have been tossing me around, and I'm writing this on one of the downturns. It's been two weeks of uncontrollable chips-eating, blank-space-staring, or even crying myself to sleep some days, for reasons only God knows; but that miserable feeling refuses to completely go away. That's why I've been so quiet here, I don't know what to say, how to say it. It needs to be stated, however, that this blank box is lifting my spirits ever-so-slightly.

I've promised to be everything and productive this year, what with it being the year I (hopefully) graduate from the hell known as art-&-design school. Maybe I'll finally learn the secret to making the perfect fried egg (I always fuck it up just a tiny bit). I don't want to call them resolutions because then you feel like a let-down if you aren't able to meet these new expectations, I'd rather just consider these milestones, part of the gradual expected growing up once you're a 21 year old.

Oh yeah, by the way, the world didn't end, and I celebrated by turning the ripe old age of 21. How did I celebrate, you ask? By playing dodgeball and other such violent games the whole entire morning and afternoon. Best way to prove you're not really as old as you're supposed to be, right? I do not feel 21 in the least. The oldest I've ever felt in my life is 8.

How're you? :)

Hopefully back for a long time,
Kanika

p.s. february's coming up! (HINT HINT)

1 AM and Diet Chips

Why do we dwell on the hurtful things, so much so that we have no space in our hearts and minds to dedicate to the good things? It's one of those human tendencies you promise yourself you'll break out of. To be able to find joy in the little stuff is a gift you are capable of receiving.

You know that people aren't nice so why waste time talking about exactly how un-nice they are? Spend that time lying down on your bed, staring at the ceiling and smiling when you think about your lunch and all its deliciousness. Take a walk with a camera and snap a photo of absolutely anything. Have impromptu 30-second dance marathons. Sit with friends who make you laugh.

Life is just too goddamn short to be angry with stupid people all the time. Wake up every morning with the drive to ignore them and concentrate on making each day extraordinary.

Stay lovely,
Kanika

source

The Perils of Cold Water Bathing

Since I am an internet-less wench no longer, it is now time to rejoice, sit at home in my blanket and still able to stalk people on Facebook. All is well.

Now I can tell you what I've been thinking and feeling for so many days in the past.

First things first, cold water baths suck. As much courage as it takes to pour that first mug on your head,  remember that even if you assume you'll be proud of this later, your shivering hands (even once you're out of the bathroom and fully clothed) will fuck up your kajal-applying abilities. Don't do it.

Second, I am having a torrid love affair with paanipuri (or golguppa, if you're from that part of the country, or puchka if you're a purist). I've exclaimed in the midst of absolute food heaven that there is no wound that paanipuri cannot heal for me. Current (and future, if any) boyfriend(s), be happy that it takes just a ten rupee plate of these delicious little flavor bombs to make me smile.

Thirdly, I am learning to be a person who does not overthink, overcare, overeat, overcry, overfeel. It's working wonders, my days are turning out beautifully.

The only dark shroud in this world of good things is a tiny problem with my shift key (which I wouldn't give two shits about had I not possessed a mac) and sometimes it makes me so sad I want to cry. But then I get back into point-number-three mode and tell myself it's just a machine, albeit amazing.

I'm just really happy about small things these days. It makes everything a lot more beautiful.

Stay happy!
Love,
Kanika

The dreaded M word

Mature.

It's an ugly word. Who wants to be called 'mature' when you can be called 'fun' or 'happy' or 'carefree'? I don't want to have to worry about things like detergent and domestic help and how much money I've spent on buying tuck for the month (even though I've done it for almost 4 years but right now, this morning, I woke up being scared). 

I spoke to my mum last night and there's a wedding in the family happening in Nagpur, and it falls bang in the middle of my holidays. I'm supposed to stay back with my grandparents and sister, get up early and make something for my sister's lunch and send her to school, oversee the kitchen and make sure there's food for all three meals. I'm fucking shitting my pants at the thought of holding the fort by myself. Yes, I'm 20 years old, but I've never had to be this responsible in my entire life. Specially not responsible for other people.

It's probably a good thing, because if I plan to do further studies after this, I'm not going to be in a comfortable college-approved PG with amazing people who were as lost as me when they joined, and being lost together helped us through everything. New places with new people scare me. I feel awkward and silly and watching everyone else become grown up and in control of their lives. I still ask my parents if I can go out with my friends, not so much because there's a possibility of them saying no but to know that I'm still answerable to someone; it's reassuring. It's probably a good thing, I just can't see that yet.

I'm no longer my parents' plus one, I'm an individual by myself with my own identity. I'm just not ready for other people treating me like that. 

I'd rather be me right now, sitting inside a blanket fort and watching so much Grey's Anatomy that it begins to depress me.

Articulate Silences

Hi everybody, you don't have to miss me anymore, I'm back for good! It's been so long since I clicked on 'New Post'. It feels great. I feel great.

Lots of alone time and new music leads to constant epiphanies. Boredom helps, mostly. Being quiet has its advantages. I feel terrible for not telling you what I've been thinking and feeling, it's been nearly a month and I haven't found the words to explain it. It's a strange calm which is irritating everybody around me because it's making me put myself before everyone. I want to be a better person, and I needed to retreat for a while and let these feelings wash over me so that they never come back. I've gone into a cave of silence. It's tranquil. Nothing bothers me here. Whatever had the capacity to get under my skin no longer occupies any space in my mind..leaves so much more room for happiness. :)

I've been-

keeping my room clean,

spending hours on filing my nails,

drinking 3 cups of green tea in a day,

not giving a damn,

not talking to anyone,

pissing off my boyfriend,

reading books,

watching way too much Community,

singing loudly and badly,

spending no money (doesn't mean I'm saving it),

drawing and listening to new music which is lovely,

drinking chai in the rain,

taking baths that are way too long and relaxing,

feeling too much and too little at the same time,

avoiding conflict and creating it,

dancing alone with my fairy lights on,

eating apples,

not talking to people who bore me,

unapologetically rude,

writing in my mind and not in my journal,

missing some people who decided to leave me alone for their own good,

reading things I wish I had written,

smiling to myself.

College isn't feeling very challenging, only boring and demotivating, and it's getting intensely difficult to find ways to push myself. The past three weeks haven't been that hectic, but next week promises a shit-storm of great magnitude. I'm prepared. 

And I'm going to try to post at least once every two days. I took three weeks off, and it's time to be attached to this blog again. Starting with how it looks now, I'm loving the minimal clean feel. Comments are very welcome and much loved. :)

Love,

Kanika

Acknowledgements and Happy Days

Something crazy has happened. For the first time, three people have passed the same award to me, and it's so wonderful because it's literally the 'Favourite Blog' award. Ruhani, Priyanka and Akanksha, thank you so much for thinking I deserve this :) 


German for 'favourite' - Liebster!

The downside is, though, there is now so much I have to do for this, and all that into 3. I have to write 11 facts about myself (so Imma now have to think of THIRTY THREE), I have to answer 11 questions (oh no, thirty three) and I'll have to frame 11 more questions for the people I pass this award onto. I have no qualms in all this, I just hope you guys don't get bored reading so much gibberish :3 (no one told me to write 3 times the amount I need to, I'm just in a really talkative mood right now)


OKAY, THIRTY THREE FACTS ABOUT ME.


1. I was born prematurely, and because I was so small my parents named me Kanika which means as small as an atom. Actually my mom named me that, my dad was vehement on calling me 'Amrusha'. No offence to anyone called that, but I'm glad my mother won that argument.


2. I actually prayed every night from the day my mom told me she was pregnant right up till she gave birth. I prayed for a sister, because I was 8 years old which is bang smack in the middle of my boys-are-so-stupid phase. I figured God existed, because I got what I asked for. And I got to name her :)


3. I've never got stitches, and I've never broken any part of my body. The most massive medical distress I was in was when I got jaundice as a seven year old, and then mild chickenpox in 12th standard.


4. I'm very good at remembering phone numbers, dates and random facts which makes me come off as really creepy on some occasions. :P


5. Every month for about 5 days, I VICIOUSLY wish I was a boy (certain days these are...when my womanhood is showing off in full bloody glory).


6. I'm terrible when it comes to keeping grudges. By that I mean it takes a lot for me to let it go, and if I do so without much persuasion then I probably really care about you.


7. The first time I ever stuck to a new year resolution was when I got my nose pierced. I know it's not a big thing, but man, it felt amazing the moment after it happened. (obviously I'm forgetting the stinging crazy pain from my nostril)


8. I truly love Coldplay's music. I'm not calling myself their biggest fan or anything (I probably don't even know as much about Chris Martin as some people around me do) but wow, their music is just so soothing and calming. Fuck the haters!


9. Ditto^ for John Mayer.


10. I really want to color my hair but I'm constantly worried I'll look like a fool. (Nilanjana, if you're reading this, you're amazingly awesome for getting it done, and woo, it looks great, we all know it <3 p="p">
11. My current courses all deal with content writing and editing - I've basically died and gone to writer heaven. I would love to be an editor, I think that job is made for me.

12. I do this extremely frustrating thing where I start a conversation on fb chat and lose the will to talk halfway into my second sentence. If I've done this to you, forgive me. I swing from friendly to aloof within seconds.

13. Not very random and pretty obvious really, but I love blogging :)

14. I've always wondered what having long hair would entail. The longest my hair has ever been is three inches down my shoulder. (I shouldn't really talk about my hair, it's a really heart wrenching topic)

15. I love hot baths. (I have a feeling I've mentioned this 23456785432 times before)

16. I LOVE MY MACBOOK IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL AAAAAAAAAAAAAA

17. I'm a fourth year, the senior most batch in my college. I don't feel it at all. This happened to me during school too - when I was in sixth standard the seniors were these mature, smart people, ready to go out into the big bad world. I reached there myself and realised I was as immature and silly as I had always been. Being in my last year of college hasn't changed that.

18. My favourite book, song and color changes every goddamn day. (little hard to answer when someone asks, but today it's The Perks of Being A Wallflower/Into the Wild - LP/ turquoise)

19. I'm currently wearing my boyfriend's shirt to college. It looks really good on me. :D

20. I'm working on a new blog look right now. (by that I mean header). Suggestions are welcome. :)

21. I try very hard to keep everyone around me happy. In trying to do that I piss a lot of people off because it essentially means I can never decide on something. I'll be stressed whether I made the right choice for everyone.

22. ^As you can tell, I mostly never give a shit about myself. It works on some occasions and backfires on others.

23. I'm a notebook junkie. I collect notebooks but mostly leave them empty out of fear of ruining their pages.

24. I sniff books. Specially old ones my mother digs out from the recesses of her bookshelf with yellow dog-eared pages and tiny serif fonts. She recently lent me her copy of some John Grisham novel and I immediately dug my nose into it. (you'd think she'd be surprised but after 20 years of raising the idiot that I am, she was expressionless)

25. I want to lose weight. Anybody with tips, email me. Haha

26. I have forced my boyfriend to dance with me one really drunk night with friends. We played 'Glad You Came' and just jumped for the entire duration of the song. It was a crazy experience :D

27. I would like to achieve a perfect British accent.

28. I'm an amazing bathroom singer. Like, I have serious talent.

29. I'm an over-planner. I do not like to 'wing it' and if I am not completely sure about what the schedule is I will refuse to be a part of whatever it is, no matter how much I love it.

30. I remember song lyrics really easily, which leads people to think that I'm jobless.

31. I love triangles and geometric shapes, specially in illustrations and graphic design.

32. JUNK FOOD FTW

33. I had way more fun writing these than I expected :D

NOW! THIRTY THREE QUESTIONS I MUST ANSWER!
Akanksha's questions for me:

(1) If you were given one wish, what would that be? 

I would love to be stuck in my last year of school.

     

(2) Which place do you wish to visit the most?

Greece.

(3) If you somehow become the President, what would be the first thing that you'd do?

Take a nap on the giant insane bed I know I'll have/enable wi-fi at the Rashtrapati Bhavan.

(4) Your favourite author?

Oh no...there are too many. JK Rowling, Eoin Colfer are my all-time favourite authors.

(5) How much does blogging mean to you?

I love blogging. I love the joy of putting my thoughts out somewhere in the virtual cosmos.

(6) Would you give away everything for something that you love doing? 

Depends on how much I love it. Probs yes.

(7) What's the one thing that you would like to get from life?

Contentment.

(8) What would you do if you won a million dollars?

Spend some on nice clothes and food, give the rest to my parents.

(9) What's your life motto?

"When in doubt, eat a burger. When in greater doubt, take a nap." - Me

(10) How stupid and lame are the questions?  

Haha they really aren't.

Ruhani's questions follow:

1. The CRAZIEST thing that you've ever done? 

Sneaked a cigarette at home. So boring :|

2. If happiness was the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich?

Eating.

3. If the average human lifespan was 40 years, how would you live your life differently?

Travel like a motherfucker.

4. If you could break one law, which one would that be?

Pretty sure I've broken some, I'm good. Thanks :P

5. What do you do, that you think, makes you different from everyone else?

Decide what I should do on the basis of others' opinions, so much that I forget it's about me.

6. Do you push the elevator button more than once? Do you really think it makes the elevator move faster? :P

I'm the most impatient person I know. (that's a 'hell yes')

7. If you were standing on stage, unaware that hundreds of people were watching you, what would you have done?

Sing a duet from High School Musical (of course I would sing both parts)

8. Who do you think is the sexiest person alive? [Please avoid mentioning me. Obvious facts don't need to be reiterated. :P ]

Haha. George Clooney.

9. Who would you rather date. A worried genius or a joyous simpleton?

Worried genius, any day.

10. If you were stranded on an island, which three things would you like to have in your bag?

a book, a notebook, a pen.

11. What is your first impression of me/this blog? [Muhahahaha. oh how I love being the evil bitch, the mother of all conspiracies and controversies! :D ]

Ruhani you're wonderful :) all your posts are insightful and a delight to read.

Priyanka's questions! :)

1. If you won a billion dollars what are the first 3 things you'd do with it?

Already answered this. Buy some food, some clothes, rest is with the parents.

2. What do you think are your chances of being born as a milkman in your next life?

I was thinking more along the lines of insect, so I really hope my chances of being a milkman are higher!

3. One celebrity you'd love to date.

TOM FELTON, NO DISCUSSION

4. Which bands'/artists' concerts do you really want to attend? Name any 5.

Coldplay, Jason Mraz, Gold Panda, John Mayer, Justin Timberlake.

5. Flip flops or heels?

Flip flops all the time, heels when I decide to look decent.

6. A movie you could watch any number of times?

Mona Lisa Smile and Shawshank Redemption.

7. Who was your first follower?

My roommate :3

8. Describe a moment when you were really proud of yourself.

Prefect in school.

9. What is the one thing you'd do, if you knew you'd be successful at it?

Cook for a living.

10. The best compliment you've ever received?
"The guy who gets to be with you will be the luckiest guy in the world." - breakup conversation

11. By which year do you think we'll finally establish contact with aliens?
Never really. If they haven't contacted us yet they're probably really smart because they're staying away from us.

You know, this was exhausting. Fellow bloggers I award now, just pick and choose your favourite 11 questions from the plethora above and answer them any way you like :)

Now when it comes to awarding people, I want to award all three ladies who awarded me because I love their blogs.

Ruhani

Priyanka 

Akanksha

you guys are so amazing :) you don't need to go through this whole process again but. :P BE HAPPY WITH THE AWARDZ YOU ALL ARE GETTING LIKE MONAY.

Other people I want to award are -

Vidhi

*Dark Angel*

Soumi

Shiromi

I do, I do

I'm going to go and pass this on, now :)

If you read all the way down here, thank you for sticking with the bullshit. I love you.

Yay,
Kanika

In That Moment

I feel divine.

Nothing can ever break this feeling, this wondrous feeling of being the strongest person in the whole world. The most inspired person in the entire solar system.

I feel small.

Every unexplained shadow, every unfamiliar noise, something out of the corner of your eye without a face. An intense acceleration of the heart.

I feel...content.

A warm glow pulsating from my temples to my toes, filling me up with light and a level of calm which is paramount. Smiling and finding things to smile for.

It's a strange night with provoking music.

Pathos and Apologies

Joyous June has been discontinued.

I've been under so much stress and pressure at my internship and I've had sleepless nights for a week. I couldn't keep up with it. I'm sorry to anyone who wanted to join later. And I'll also be deleting all the JJ posts by tomorrow. But I will update this post with all your links tomorrow, because I'm so happy the people who participated did so. I don't want to remove all that with nothing to show for it.
I want to go back to relaxing blogging for a bit. Not blogging that was causing me to be in hysterics at the despair of not being able to update on time. It got too much for me. I'm feeling horrible but I assure you (and myself) that I will make up for it by doing it another month, maybe when I'm back in Bangalore, because somehow I manage to feel more inspired. Maybe it's sitting at home and having so many things and people that distract. Or even just going to work from 9-7 and coming home with no desire other than to meet my bed with a giant hug. The past week has been long and ardous, and with three days left for my internship to end, I just really want a break.

In other random news and feelings, not only am I exhausted physically, but mentally I'm not in a great place. I have things to deal with but no time. Bangalore shall bring clarity and solace. I cannot wait. Three more weeks.

Love,
Kanika

Sleep can't cure this

"Go away," she said,
"leave me be,
to wallow in my misery
to soak up in all this self-pity
because no one seems to care."

Yes, I wrote that. I'm a genius with poetry, am I not?

- I have too many feelings inside me right now, and they are threatening to come in the way of my daily routine. I feel like curling up in bed and sleeping for days so that no one is able to hurt me anymore.

- I want to do another Fantabulous February, except this time it'll be Joyous June. Let me know if it's a good idea and if you would like to join. Read more about FF under the FF label. Click on the top of the post.

- I'm going to spend tomorrow entirely without using an internet connection. I was going to say computer/laptop but I forgot I'm at work and without solitaire to calm me down I will probably brutally beat my fellow intern. No facebook, email, twitter, tumblr or blogging tomorrow. Can I do this? I'm certainly gonna try.

Love with feeling, (if the labels on this post are any indication)
Kanika

Tiresome

I'm getting tired of people. Of having to talk, meet, laugh. The meetings feel pointless. Coming home is a relief.

Had a different sort of talk with granddad today. He talked to me about maturity. He sees sincerity and diligence in me. I don't understand why.

I'm losing faith in people. Everyone is just a terrible version of themselves. I'm tired of being told to not be hurt because the 'real world is a cruel place'. If that's reality I want to go away somewhere far away from it. I want to meet nice people and listen to nice thoughts. I want feeling hurt to be allowed. I want nice people. I want to hear good things.

I feel hurt today. I want to let this feeling get through completely so it doesn't come back to haunt me. This is taking a toll on me already. I abhor myself.

Love in despair,
Kanika

There's this thing about design

The problem with design is, no one's opinion or work is wrong.

Which means that when it comes to giving feedback or telling people what you think about what they've made, you are able to act like a jackass and then get away with it. Because somehow saying "this just doesn't work for me, for reasons I cannot explain" is feedback that I have to try and take something from. How do I do that if you can't articulate for shit? I mean, people on twitter are more vocal in 140 characters than you are with the gift of speech.

Needless to say, I'm ticked off with this internship.

Break-fasting

(Any health conscious people or vegetarians reading this, I suggest you stop right here.)

Since 6 years, breakfast has been a meal I love to skip. When I was in school, 7 am meant only a glass of hot milk and then running out the door in fear of missing the bus. In college, breakfast is a leisurely activity I carry out only on holidays, when I'm not running out the door in fear of missing attendance (I think you're seeing a pattern.) I do not enjoy breakfast as much as lunch, dinner or the million snack breaks in between. Maybe it's because lunch and dinner have such a big number of possible things to eat. That includes CHICKEN, something I have resigned myself to knowing I can't live without. But in my mind, since childhood, breakfast has meant toast, multiple kinds of egg, and maybe a stray parantha with leftovers from the night before. Sunday breakfasts are glorious though, and puri-aloo is up there on my list of only thing I will ever willingly eat in the morning.

My internship has provided me with a schedule for the day that I am not used to anymore. It's vaguely familiar to what I had in school, a little more challenging. I wake up at 8.30 a.m., standing ready by 8.45 (surprised?) and till 9 o'clock my mother watches me with hawkeyes as I quietly eat the fried egg and single toast she's placed on the table. If I say no, she will stuff fruits into my bag, and as much as I love apples I'd rather not carry more food to work than the necessary lunch (I'm a bit of a hog like that, if I had more food with me I would never stop eating in office hours).

And I love a good sunny-side-up, do NOT get me wrong, but for every day breakfast, it's a wonder I'm not throwing up every mornings. Eggs are more icky than people think. Yeesh.

Okay putting my strange eating habits aside, Mehak from little trinkets i drop :) has graced me with an award! *joy dance*

And for once, all I have to do once I receive it is simply bask in its glory!

Thanks Mehak :)

Love in breakfastry,
Kanika

New Feelings

New theme, new header :) And I adore it. It's very dreamy and unreadable, just to my liking right now. Once I post this I'm going to go on a blogpost deleting spree. Delete all the clutter and make this blog pristine.

There are a couple of big things I'm going to say in this post, so it's going to be a little long. I'm asking you to stay with me right till the end, because it's been a long time since I demanded so much attention in a blog post. My last few posts have been distracted and silly, and I have been waiting in vain for a moment of blog-lovin'. It happened last night but the internet was switched off. So I wrote everything down. I guess sometimes writing things down helps more than typing. The scratching of my pen in a tiny notebook was more soothing than I felt the sound of my keyboard would have been at that moment.

I'm adding numbers to these things simply to break them up. I don't know how else to let this flow.

1. I'm going to quote my diary from last night. I wrote this after an intensely disheartening conversation with Ze Boyfriend.

I just spent an hour on the phone with a boy having to convince him that my love was true and pure. I always thought I'd be in his shoes in a situation like this. Keeping my low self esteem issue and constant need for positive reinforcement aside, I've never had problems in the boy department. I've had pretty good luck actually.
Tonight I was accused of being a heartless monster by a person who till recently has refused to accept that I was flawed. Now I'm a can of worms that just doesn't quit fucking up. Everything I do or utter is a mistake in the making that apologies cannot rectify. I must become a superlative version of myself in order to be worthy of this person's trust once more. The old me would have never stood for it. "What? Dance around on the whim of a boy? Never!" And equal rights would prevail, and that would be that. The new voiceless me, however, is not a force to reckon with. I'm spineless with no opinion...rather with an opinion that does no good and only harm when raised.


Things are looking bleak for me. There is love but there is also disappointment. When did I turn into this person who lets such hurtful things go right over her head without any retaliation? I don't want to be a meek, hollow shell of myself. That's what I'm turning into. Instead of the independent, strong woman I want to be, I'm becoming a characterless little girl.
What is a relationship if not a place for me to have my moments of despair with the absolute assurance that there is someone to help me get out of the pit? I'm not allowed to fall apart. I'm not allowed to be muted, only vibrant. I don't know if that's something I have the strength for all the time.

2. Two days ago while sitting with my paternal grandfather while he wrote some letters, I noticed his right leg jittering. I asked him why he was impatient. (My dad, sister and I have the same habit when we're restless.) He smiled at me. "I'm not impatient...it's Parkinsons."
It was like a slap in the face. Parkinsons? What the fuck? I knew granddad hadn't been keeping very well but it was always a slight weakness or a headache or something of that sort that had easily available instant cures. A Paracetamol. Some lemonade with extra salt. Freshly cut fruits. I always believed he would get better in a day or two. And he always did. But with this, I don't know how to find a solution. I watched in silent horror for the next hour as he quietly clasped his knee, stopped writing, and waited for the shaking to pass, every time it happened. He then asked me to help him put some clothes away.
We opened his army trunk, and my grandmother (who's suffering from really serious short-term-memory loss) stopped being low and both of them together told me stories as we folded clothes that brought tears to their eyes. Like how a certain sweater was my maternal grandfather's and when he passed away two years ago his wife graciously gave them all his warm clothes to my paternal grandfather. That made both of them tear up. It made me feel horrible. Because in the twenty years of my being their granddaughter, I didn't know that the bond between the in-laws was so old and so deep. I left the room after two hours feeling like a different person. I was quiet for the rest of the evening, mulling over the things I had discovered in the same room I spent most of my childhood in.

3. I'm slowly realising that as much as I whine about missing school and how simple everything really was back then, I'm doing absolutely nothing to keep in touch. Actually, that applies to everyone in my life, school or not. I get happy when plans get cancelled. I rejoice at not having to look pretty to meet someone but rather sit at home, drink chai and tweet. That's how strange things have gotten. I don't understand my brain anymore.

So as you can read (if you're still here) my mind is a mixing pot of confusion right now. Confusion but somehow still organized. And I just wanted to put it here, because my blog is the only place where all this makes sense.

Love in utter flux,
Kanika

Parachutes

It's 11 am, I'm awake and fresh with a cup of tea by my side. This day will be productive as fuck if I have any control over it. I will listen to Coldplay and work till I have no strength in my hands left to use the trackpad of my laptop anymore.

I finished The Perks Of Being a Wallflower...it's a beautiful book. It's my new all-time favourite. I want to make it a much-thumbed-through copy with dog ears. :)

My internship starts on Friday (yes, so strange) and I'm freaking out. I'm going to be out in the real world. Working. What. WHAT.

I'll post the link of my illustration blog tomorrow. Please to follow, k thanks.

Love and other things like that,
Kanika

p.s. Up until February my followers were steadily increasing...why have they hit a roadblock at 176? DID I DO SOMETHING WRONG? What's happening.

We Found Love

Yellow diamonds in the light
And we're standing side by side
As your shadow crosses mine
What it takes to come alive

It's the way I’m feeling I just can't deny
But I've gotta let it go

We found love in a hopeless place.

Rihanna is a great way to stay up on a night when a deadline has been thrust upon you without warning. Massive

headaches are preceding my every movement. Could it be the incessant bangalore heat with teasing overcast skies? Or a semester that's been easy but this last week that threatens to kill?

Hi you guys.

Love,

Kanika