Ho Hey!

Here I am, sitting with the lights off at 10 am because the cloudy skies and torrential downpour outside are exponentially beautiful this way (and I can ignore the thoughts of how much mud is being generated right now), sipping a steaming hot cup of sheer chai, very impatiently waiting for my flipkart orders to reach me, also sheepish because I know this post is LONG LONG LONG LONG LONG overdue.

Hello chaos and chaosmakers, I'm here finally, over the initial time-and-space-eating black hole called 'vacation', having gone for 2 separate holidays with my parents in the span of two weeks. I've been busy, in the way that being home after a long time makes you busy: sleeping, eating, sleeping, reading, eating, baking, sleeping. Hence the silence over here: I've either been asleep, or I've been sitting in some tiny village in Himachal Pradesh and staring at mountains.

I'm back for good.

Love,
Kanika

Punctuating

Happy birthday to a very tired-sounding mother.

Speaking to my family is not a regular deal for me; we probably have a 15 minute conversation every two-three days. It makes me miss home horrendously, even after 4 years of being away from them. I always know what'll be happening at home when I get a call; I can hear people talking in the background and I can hear my father's old hindi music blasting from the speakers and I can hear my grandmother asking how much rice to cook and my sister's interjecting from the back and asking if I heard that particular song she sent me and my mother tells me about family get-togethers and everyone always asks me when I'm coming home for my next vacation...it's an overwhelming amount of things to suddenly miss and just after the conversation ends I feel weird for a while. As if being there amidst all that chaos would somehow give me the peace of mind I'm craving right now.

Summer vacations are being planned, and I think my parents have forgotten the FINAL PROJECT I AM SUPPOSED TO BE STARTING IN JULY ON THE BASIS OF WHICH I WILL GRADUATE (OR WON'T, DEPENDING ON WHETHER I MAKE A HASH OF IT OR NOT). But the plan is to go to our favorite kind of holiday destination, a secluded hill-spot, where the pine trees are too tall to look up at and the drives are long and beautiful with Paul Simon singing along, so I refuse to crib about it. I need that kind of de-stressing sojourn so desperately.

No more whining. Let's beat this Sunday.

Keep Calm and Ca - NO, THANK YOU.

Today, I felt like the most people around me are a mixture of lots of things. Sadly, almost none of these things are happiness-inducing. Arrogance and over-confidence are a deadly set of qualities and it's frustrating to watch people strut around like they own the place. They're going to self-destruct soon enough, and then us socially awkward angels will take over the world.

Coming back to socially awkward, I cleaned my room like a mofo today, and after a marathon session where I think I chucked lots of stuff the 16-year-old me had saved from school for sentimentality, I decided to take the longest hot bath of my life, because I deserved it.

This is me, now: 

The best way to fall asleep is to do it with a book on your face.

Love,

Kanika

Articulate Silences

Hi everybody, you don't have to miss me anymore, I'm back for good! It's been so long since I clicked on 'New Post'. It feels great. I feel great.

Lots of alone time and new music leads to constant epiphanies. Boredom helps, mostly. Being quiet has its advantages. I feel terrible for not telling you what I've been thinking and feeling, it's been nearly a month and I haven't found the words to explain it. It's a strange calm which is irritating everybody around me because it's making me put myself before everyone. I want to be a better person, and I needed to retreat for a while and let these feelings wash over me so that they never come back. I've gone into a cave of silence. It's tranquil. Nothing bothers me here. Whatever had the capacity to get under my skin no longer occupies any space in my mind..leaves so much more room for happiness. :)

I've been-

keeping my room clean,

spending hours on filing my nails,

drinking 3 cups of green tea in a day,

not giving a damn,

not talking to anyone,

pissing off my boyfriend,

reading books,

watching way too much Community,

singing loudly and badly,

spending no money (doesn't mean I'm saving it),

drawing and listening to new music which is lovely,

drinking chai in the rain,

taking baths that are way too long and relaxing,

feeling too much and too little at the same time,

avoiding conflict and creating it,

dancing alone with my fairy lights on,

eating apples,

not talking to people who bore me,

unapologetically rude,

writing in my mind and not in my journal,

missing some people who decided to leave me alone for their own good,

reading things I wish I had written,

smiling to myself.

College isn't feeling very challenging, only boring and demotivating, and it's getting intensely difficult to find ways to push myself. The past three weeks haven't been that hectic, but next week promises a shit-storm of great magnitude. I'm prepared. 

And I'm going to try to post at least once every two days. I took three weeks off, and it's time to be attached to this blog again. Starting with how it looks now, I'm loving the minimal clean feel. Comments are very welcome and much loved. :)

Love,

Kanika

Clarity

"I used to rule the world
Seas would rise when I gave the word
Now in the morning I sleep alone
Sweep the streets I used to own."

Oh, Chris Martin, you beautiful being.

Hello, world.

I feel so much more at peace with my feelings these days, whether the feelings themselves are of unrest and anger. It just feels good to not deny the chance of feeling a certain way, be it tired or happy or calm or stressed. Feel each feeling through, right till the bone, till you simply cannot feel it any longer. Maybe this newfound contentment is due to the multiple cups of chai I've been treating myself to. Or just being (or forcing myself to be) so calm about everything.

It's a good day. Here, have some love :*

Love, 

Kanika

Maybe I need to write a book

I've been at home and only home for 5 days now. Five days full of feeling. 

I've been in the middle of a lot of conversations lately. I've been watching more news on TV than I have in the entire duration of my being in Bangalore. TV people no longer know how to conduct a debate, it consists only of fat old politicians yelling at each other and making a fool of themselves. People around me yell across rooms and parks and into gadgets. The decibel levels make me cringe and shudder. Who talks softly anymore? And is there anyone who still values the beauty of silence?

I feel closer to a person with whom I am able to share a comfortable and non-awkward silence. That's the real test of a relationship...are you able to still feel together when you're not verbally showing it? There is so much more said in the lack of words than in their abundance. I've been keeping my thoughts to me for a few days and it's overwhelming, but fulfilling. And when I do say something, I make sure it's honest, and clear. It makes for less chance of conflict...with family, with boyfriend, with friends. If you tell someone exactly how you feel in the clearest way possible they never have to assume what you think, and there is simply no room for miscommunication or misunderstanding. I've been trying really hard to not let my short temper explode at the littlest things, and it was difficult at the beginning when everyone turned into a complete asshole. People are inconsiderate and no one is inherently nice anymore. I had to stop deluding myself into thinking that people like being polite; they don't. Everybody's default setting is jackass. And the sooner I realised that, the sooner it got easier to be carefree. I'm not going to be all zen and say that you should stay calm no matter what...if someone's mean to you, I'd say give it back. Subtly maybe, so that your karma doesn't get all screwed up.

Being at home for these two months has taught me tact, has made me quieter than I have ever been, happier in many ways and sad in some. I'm glad I interned here. I needed time with my family. 

Coorg tomorrow. This trip is going to be insane. I'M GOING TO MAKE IT FUN. :D

I'm sorry about the silence on the blog. I think I explained the reasons for it, up there. But let me get back to college and the many emotions it brings, and soon I shall be a chatterbox again.

Love in excitement and tranquility,

Kanika

Pathos and Apologies

Joyous June has been discontinued.

I've been under so much stress and pressure at my internship and I've had sleepless nights for a week. I couldn't keep up with it. I'm sorry to anyone who wanted to join later. And I'll also be deleting all the JJ posts by tomorrow. But I will update this post with all your links tomorrow, because I'm so happy the people who participated did so. I don't want to remove all that with nothing to show for it.
I want to go back to relaxing blogging for a bit. Not blogging that was causing me to be in hysterics at the despair of not being able to update on time. It got too much for me. I'm feeling horrible but I assure you (and myself) that I will make up for it by doing it another month, maybe when I'm back in Bangalore, because somehow I manage to feel more inspired. Maybe it's sitting at home and having so many things and people that distract. Or even just going to work from 9-7 and coming home with no desire other than to meet my bed with a giant hug. The past week has been long and ardous, and with three days left for my internship to end, I just really want a break.

In other random news and feelings, not only am I exhausted physically, but mentally I'm not in a great place. I have things to deal with but no time. Bangalore shall bring clarity and solace. I cannot wait. Three more weeks.

Love,
Kanika

Sleep can't cure this

"Go away," she said,
"leave me be,
to wallow in my misery
to soak up in all this self-pity
because no one seems to care."

Yes, I wrote that. I'm a genius with poetry, am I not?

- I have too many feelings inside me right now, and they are threatening to come in the way of my daily routine. I feel like curling up in bed and sleeping for days so that no one is able to hurt me anymore.

- I want to do another Fantabulous February, except this time it'll be Joyous June. Let me know if it's a good idea and if you would like to join. Read more about FF under the FF label. Click on the top of the post.

- I'm going to spend tomorrow entirely without using an internet connection. I was going to say computer/laptop but I forgot I'm at work and without solitaire to calm me down I will probably brutally beat my fellow intern. No facebook, email, twitter, tumblr or blogging tomorrow. Can I do this? I'm certainly gonna try.

Love with feeling, (if the labels on this post are any indication)
Kanika

New Feelings

New theme, new header :) And I adore it. It's very dreamy and unreadable, just to my liking right now. Once I post this I'm going to go on a blogpost deleting spree. Delete all the clutter and make this blog pristine.

There are a couple of big things I'm going to say in this post, so it's going to be a little long. I'm asking you to stay with me right till the end, because it's been a long time since I demanded so much attention in a blog post. My last few posts have been distracted and silly, and I have been waiting in vain for a moment of blog-lovin'. It happened last night but the internet was switched off. So I wrote everything down. I guess sometimes writing things down helps more than typing. The scratching of my pen in a tiny notebook was more soothing than I felt the sound of my keyboard would have been at that moment.

I'm adding numbers to these things simply to break them up. I don't know how else to let this flow.

1. I'm going to quote my diary from last night. I wrote this after an intensely disheartening conversation with Ze Boyfriend.

I just spent an hour on the phone with a boy having to convince him that my love was true and pure. I always thought I'd be in his shoes in a situation like this. Keeping my low self esteem issue and constant need for positive reinforcement aside, I've never had problems in the boy department. I've had pretty good luck actually.
Tonight I was accused of being a heartless monster by a person who till recently has refused to accept that I was flawed. Now I'm a can of worms that just doesn't quit fucking up. Everything I do or utter is a mistake in the making that apologies cannot rectify. I must become a superlative version of myself in order to be worthy of this person's trust once more. The old me would have never stood for it. "What? Dance around on the whim of a boy? Never!" And equal rights would prevail, and that would be that. The new voiceless me, however, is not a force to reckon with. I'm spineless with no opinion...rather with an opinion that does no good and only harm when raised.


Things are looking bleak for me. There is love but there is also disappointment. When did I turn into this person who lets such hurtful things go right over her head without any retaliation? I don't want to be a meek, hollow shell of myself. That's what I'm turning into. Instead of the independent, strong woman I want to be, I'm becoming a characterless little girl.
What is a relationship if not a place for me to have my moments of despair with the absolute assurance that there is someone to help me get out of the pit? I'm not allowed to fall apart. I'm not allowed to be muted, only vibrant. I don't know if that's something I have the strength for all the time.

2. Two days ago while sitting with my paternal grandfather while he wrote some letters, I noticed his right leg jittering. I asked him why he was impatient. (My dad, sister and I have the same habit when we're restless.) He smiled at me. "I'm not impatient...it's Parkinsons."
It was like a slap in the face. Parkinsons? What the fuck? I knew granddad hadn't been keeping very well but it was always a slight weakness or a headache or something of that sort that had easily available instant cures. A Paracetamol. Some lemonade with extra salt. Freshly cut fruits. I always believed he would get better in a day or two. And he always did. But with this, I don't know how to find a solution. I watched in silent horror for the next hour as he quietly clasped his knee, stopped writing, and waited for the shaking to pass, every time it happened. He then asked me to help him put some clothes away.
We opened his army trunk, and my grandmother (who's suffering from really serious short-term-memory loss) stopped being low and both of them together told me stories as we folded clothes that brought tears to their eyes. Like how a certain sweater was my maternal grandfather's and when he passed away two years ago his wife graciously gave them all his warm clothes to my paternal grandfather. That made both of them tear up. It made me feel horrible. Because in the twenty years of my being their granddaughter, I didn't know that the bond between the in-laws was so old and so deep. I left the room after two hours feeling like a different person. I was quiet for the rest of the evening, mulling over the things I had discovered in the same room I spent most of my childhood in.

3. I'm slowly realising that as much as I whine about missing school and how simple everything really was back then, I'm doing absolutely nothing to keep in touch. Actually, that applies to everyone in my life, school or not. I get happy when plans get cancelled. I rejoice at not having to look pretty to meet someone but rather sit at home, drink chai and tweet. That's how strange things have gotten. I don't understand my brain anymore.

So as you can read (if you're still here) my mind is a mixing pot of confusion right now. Confusion but somehow still organized. And I just wanted to put it here, because my blog is the only place where all this makes sense.

Love in utter flux,
Kanika

The boy with the bread, the girl who was on fire

I finished the Hunger Games trilogy two days ago. And I am still reeling from how extremely brilliant it is.

All three books are beautifully written stories that leave you hanging on to every word, every page, and the breaks are so irritatingly well timed that you feel like you haven't flipped the page fast enough. Katniss Everdeen is my new hero. No exaggerated glory, just a seventeen year old who gets hurt and breaks, has moments when she shines. It's easy to connect to her because her feelings seem real, though the setting is such a fantasy. Peeta Mellark is of course my new fictional crush (a close second to Draco Malfoy and Artemis Fowl). An honest, sincere, gorgeous man.

I love coming home because somehow when I'm here I get through books really fast. I try reading while I'm away at college but I never manage to get into that unbreakable flow that I immediately find here. It's been a week and I've finished 5 books. Flipkart has just delivered two more to me. The Perks of Being A Wallflower, I'm 87 pages in. It's my new all time favourite. I wanted to read it before the Emma Watson movie of the book came out. At this rate I'll be through it tonight. The other book I've ordered is Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close. Heard rave reviews. Will test them, soon!

Gais. Y U NO comment.

Love,
Kanika

p.s. - looking to start a digital illustration blog. Anyone interested to co-create? Drop me an email. 

Something In The Air

It's summer, and harshly so.

Summer always brings about changes in my head and my body - I don't feel like eating, I'm much  more susceptible to numbing headaches, I generally feel uncomfortable all the time. It's a constant loosening of the collar and wondering when I can leave college to rush home and get into shorts.

Lately, my sleep cycle is slowly been getting reversed and I feel powerless to change it. Last week I was sleeping at 4 am and waking up the next afternoon at 3. Last night I hit 7 am with no sign of sleep, even though my body was crying out for rest. I woke up at 10 am, lay down for two minutes (or so I thought) and next thing I knew, I was waking up at 12.30.

The plan today is to tire myself to sleep so that this reverse-cycling stops burdening my head every morning/afternoon. I wake up with bricks on my shoulders, and chai has generally been my go-to drink when I need inspiration...but summer laziness prevents me from being in the kitchen (with no fan, mind you) for even 2 minutes. Today though, I woke up and the only clear thought that shone through the abyss my mind is right now was - go make yourself a hot cuppa. And Coldplay shall help me through.

I've planned tons of work. I will finish it too, and go to sleep at a decent hour, sure of myself today, and wake up tomorrow feeling great.

What have you been up to? Comment and tell me, please :)

Kanika

p.s. - This is post number 201. Thank you to everyone who made that number possible! :)