This should be fun

I've been taking very long baths.

Since I'm not at home currently (and it feels so weird to be back in that college time hobo living phase) baths take longer because I must

- wash clothes
- clean bathroom before I bathe
- wipe bathroom floor after I bathe
- carry my toiletries into the bathroom and back into the suitcase
- carry sogging clothes out to the balcony in a heavy ass bucket

But none of this^ can bring down the joy of finding that sweet spot between Antarctica Freezing and Hot as Hell, standing under that strong force of warm water and somehow feeling all your shitty responsibilities clear off your skin, not to mention all the time you get to wallow in your mistakes and find ways to feel invigorated again.

If only.

Haha, anyhow. My final life-determining jury presentation is tomorrow. The amount of stress is my body is making me sick, and it's making me think back to my 12th standard boards. Of course I know now what I didn't know then: the 12th standard boards aren't stressful at all compared to what life throws at you later. But suddenly the still 16 year old side of me began to sulk at her one biggest worry being trivialised. Come to think of it, the stress never really goes away, rather manifests itself in whatever you need to be worried about at that age.

I need to sleep before I pass the point of waking up on time. And Jesus, I sound like a rambling drunk person.

I'll come back to you with jury results, Chaos. Keep the alcohol ready.

because I'm doing exactly what I should be doing at this point: watching Grey's Anatomy and forgetting what day it is.

Love,
Kanika

p.s. follow me on instagram! I'm way more active than a normal human being should be.

Of Love and Other Drugs

Being the douchebag that I am, I missed my blog's third birthday. Three years! My blog is three whole years old! I cannot believe in its existence sometimes. That there is this portal I created for me to talk to myself. And I've ignored it, been angry with it, wanted to shut it down, but I come back to it anyway, because on days when everything else is trying super hard to make me feel terrible, Chaos is what's left behind.

Happy belated birthday Chaos, you are loved! :)

In other news, I've fallen horribly sick and everything feels morose. Every inch of my body goes up in flames of pain when I try to move. This means I can't do anything but rest my laptop on my stomach and scroll through endless distances of tumblr and pinterest, because this is as good an excuse as any to not work. I'm being force-fed a multitude of medicines which leads to long periods of hazy things.

I've come to realise that this diploma project is bringing out the most powerful waves of self-doubt and under confidence. Ze Boyfriend and I are trying super hard to lean on each other and keep our chins up. It's difficult when you look at it head on, but having someone to cry and complain about it with you makes it feel 1235126387% do-able. Fascinating how love can fill up all your gaps.

I'll be back once my nose isn't threatening to fall off.

Love,
Kanika

Beginning / End

Over the past week, I had to pack up my Bangalore life into cartons and suitcases. Somehow shut 4 years of memories & love and happiness and relationships into boxes and send them back home. And then I had to leave too.

Of course it did not hit me till the taxi driver called and asked for directions, & suddenly I was blubbering and tearing up over the phone. I spent 4 years waiting to leave this place and when I was at the end all I wanted was another day in that house, making maggi at 3 am and drinking quietly in the balcony so that our landlord wouldn't get to know and watching Friends with Ze Boyfriend while sitting on the same cartons I had just finished packing, holding his hand really tightly because I knew in a few hours I'd be too far away.

[it's not like I won't see him. I still have my final diploma project left to do, I just chose to do it in Delhi. I'll see him soon. :)]

I hated leaving, and last minute my friends decided to drop me to the airport; one showed up with his car, so the taxi left with other people with flights at the same time. I cried quietly all the way to the airport, I cried when I had to hug everyone, I cried when I got to the check-in counter (thinking about it right now is forming a lump in my throat) and I realised it was harder to leave Bangalore than it was to leave Delhi 4 years ago.

I've been home for a couple of days now. Sorry about the silence. Just lots of things to miss.

The very sweet Anjali has given me a blog award and it requires some do-ing; give me a day or two to adjust to all this upheaval and I'll be back. (:

Lots of love,
Kanika

We Will Be Changed

Hello!

Let me share my state of mind and its uncertain nature in these photos. Literally, ten minutes apart.

I have long since given up trying to understand my brain.

One thing though. Few days ago, I was rightly slapped back into reality from the soulless abyss I was falling into. Ze boyfriend pulled me up, dusted me down, and gave me a talking to I most rightly deserved. No more cribbing and whining, I'm telling myself, I'm going to start spreading only sweetness and light.

It's very easy to make these pronouncements at 12.24 am when you know you can't sleep till at least 3. I'm not fretting at the thought though. I'm looking forward to it. There's something about the feeling...8tracks playlists in my ears, my fairy lights keeping me company at unearthly hours, and just me and Adobe Illustrator. It's therapeutic. And for a while it hadn't been. I'm happy it's here again. :)

Anywho, the good(er) news is, Akanksha (click here for her lovely blog) has bestowed me with this, and I need to do some things in order to receive it completely.

1. Thank the person who nominated you and link back.

2. State 7 random facts about yourself.

3. Answer the questions the tagger asked you.

4. Generate questions for people you want to award.

5. Inform them.

Okay, then.

1. Thank you Akanksha! You are very lovely and I hope you continue finding my blog worth your reading time :) linked back already! <3 p="p">

2. Seven Random Facts About Me

• I've cut my own hair once out of frustration.
• Most mornings I wake up with chai withdrawal; expecting me to be polite before my morning cuppa is widely considered futile.
• I'm curently in the middle of reading 5 books. (Catcher in the Rye, To Kill a Mockingbird, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, The Fountainhead, some random chick novel) Time isn't on my side. Come my two week Delhi vacation, and they'll all be crossed off my list.
• I don't lend my earphones.
• I've stopped lending books once they started coming back in terrible shape.
• I follow too many TV shows at a time.
• I procrastinate a LOT.

3. Akanksha's questions:

If you had a pig, what would you name it?-

I would name it Chamkili. (sparkly in Hindi)

How do you exert most energy? =P 

Sitting on my ass, watching Grey's Anatomy, eating Cheetos (I wish I could lose calories doing that, I would be invisible by now)

What do you think would happen if your dog ate your sunscreen?

Nothing really. I don't have a dog, I can try it out on my little sister and tell you :P

Why doesn't McDonald's sell hotdogs?

I HAVE BEEN ASKING THE SAME THING. IT'S CRIMINAL. I WANT MCDOGS.

Do prison buses have emergency exits?

Ooh I love witty questions, sadly my answers never match up. But no, I guess not.

Why can't doughnuts be square?

There has to be some physics thing to this...

I googled it.

"It's to allow maximum capacity and less breakage when being filled by machine with a filling such as custard or jelly. A square doughnut would break at the corners and so would a triangular doughnut.And having a hole in the middle of the dough would increase the surface area of the dough to improve the texture when fried. Also, a round doughnut is the easiest to create when cooking because most types of dough round out when baked unless put into a special tray. The round doughnut is also much more appealing to the eye than a square or triangular doughnut...no matter how cool those would be :D
Also its easier to make...you just roll the dough out...cut it and connect the two sides to make a circle.

And having a hole in the middle of the dough would
increase the surface area of the dough to improve the texture when fried."

:D

Are children who acted in rated R movies allowed to see them?

Haha NO WAY. Rather, I hope not. But I'm sure during shooting they see way more than they bargained for anyway.

Does a postman deliver his own mail?

It's possible! Heck, that's awesome, his mail's never gonna get lost.

Why are the shoe sizes different for a man and a woman of the same height?

Biologically, women are smaller. It's an evolutionary thing.

Okay, can't get anymore crazier. Review my blog. =P

Akanksha! You are such a cute little person. Your posts are so much fun to read and I laugh out loud sometimes :) Just one tiny suggestion: the font size could be a tad smaller and have a subtler colour. Sorry! Graphic design student up in da hood :P

4. Oh no! My questions to you guys:

- Do you believe in miracles?

- What is the most beautiful place you've ever been in?

- Who is your favorite band/artist and why?

- Is 2012 really the end of the world?

- If you had to choose between travelling the entire world and going to the moon (money no bar) which     would you choose?

- What's the most delicious thing you've ever eaten?

- Review my blog :P (I LOVE THIS QUESTION)

- Lastly, in the words of Arthur Weasley, what exactly is the function of a rubber duck?

5. Award people.

This is me being my uncharacteristically sweetness-and-light self.
Whoever is reading this post, you're awarded. Anyone who's feeling good about themselves today can choose to reward themselves for feeling good. And those who are on the dark side of things today, well, here's a pick-me-up, this award's yours :)

Going to post more soon!
Love,

Kanika

I'm allowed to be sappy sometimes.

To the glasses of Tang we shared on the terrace at midnight, talking quietly so that no one finds us,

To the little random gifts on my table and under my pillow, the ones that made me smile between tears,

To movie+pizza nights with the girls and loud game sessions with the boys,

To laughing at youtube videos and watching them so many times we can talk along,

To sharing a joke across class and trying to keep the giggles down,

To long text messages on occasions (which you always remember),

To sneaking out and doing shit we shouldn't have,

To getting drunk and high together and tripping on shit,

To gushing over crushes and getting over them,

To favorite songs that told you what I was going through,

To well-deserved and well-timed slaps in the face,

To sitting in silence together but still feeling like I told you everything,

To days and nights out and feeling so much together,

To never feeling lonely even if I'm miles away.

Happy friendship day, you idiots, I love you guys so much.

:)

Kanika

Maybe I need to write a book

I've been at home and only home for 5 days now. Five days full of feeling. 

I've been in the middle of a lot of conversations lately. I've been watching more news on TV than I have in the entire duration of my being in Bangalore. TV people no longer know how to conduct a debate, it consists only of fat old politicians yelling at each other and making a fool of themselves. People around me yell across rooms and parks and into gadgets. The decibel levels make me cringe and shudder. Who talks softly anymore? And is there anyone who still values the beauty of silence?

I feel closer to a person with whom I am able to share a comfortable and non-awkward silence. That's the real test of a relationship...are you able to still feel together when you're not verbally showing it? There is so much more said in the lack of words than in their abundance. I've been keeping my thoughts to me for a few days and it's overwhelming, but fulfilling. And when I do say something, I make sure it's honest, and clear. It makes for less chance of conflict...with family, with boyfriend, with friends. If you tell someone exactly how you feel in the clearest way possible they never have to assume what you think, and there is simply no room for miscommunication or misunderstanding. I've been trying really hard to not let my short temper explode at the littlest things, and it was difficult at the beginning when everyone turned into a complete asshole. People are inconsiderate and no one is inherently nice anymore. I had to stop deluding myself into thinking that people like being polite; they don't. Everybody's default setting is jackass. And the sooner I realised that, the sooner it got easier to be carefree. I'm not going to be all zen and say that you should stay calm no matter what...if someone's mean to you, I'd say give it back. Subtly maybe, so that your karma doesn't get all screwed up.

Being at home for these two months has taught me tact, has made me quieter than I have ever been, happier in many ways and sad in some. I'm glad I interned here. I needed time with my family. 

Coorg tomorrow. This trip is going to be insane. I'M GOING TO MAKE IT FUN. :D

I'm sorry about the silence on the blog. I think I explained the reasons for it, up there. But let me get back to college and the many emotions it brings, and soon I shall be a chatterbox again.

Love in excitement and tranquility,

Kanika

New Feelings

New theme, new header :) And I adore it. It's very dreamy and unreadable, just to my liking right now. Once I post this I'm going to go on a blogpost deleting spree. Delete all the clutter and make this blog pristine.

There are a couple of big things I'm going to say in this post, so it's going to be a little long. I'm asking you to stay with me right till the end, because it's been a long time since I demanded so much attention in a blog post. My last few posts have been distracted and silly, and I have been waiting in vain for a moment of blog-lovin'. It happened last night but the internet was switched off. So I wrote everything down. I guess sometimes writing things down helps more than typing. The scratching of my pen in a tiny notebook was more soothing than I felt the sound of my keyboard would have been at that moment.

I'm adding numbers to these things simply to break them up. I don't know how else to let this flow.

1. I'm going to quote my diary from last night. I wrote this after an intensely disheartening conversation with Ze Boyfriend.

I just spent an hour on the phone with a boy having to convince him that my love was true and pure. I always thought I'd be in his shoes in a situation like this. Keeping my low self esteem issue and constant need for positive reinforcement aside, I've never had problems in the boy department. I've had pretty good luck actually.
Tonight I was accused of being a heartless monster by a person who till recently has refused to accept that I was flawed. Now I'm a can of worms that just doesn't quit fucking up. Everything I do or utter is a mistake in the making that apologies cannot rectify. I must become a superlative version of myself in order to be worthy of this person's trust once more. The old me would have never stood for it. "What? Dance around on the whim of a boy? Never!" And equal rights would prevail, and that would be that. The new voiceless me, however, is not a force to reckon with. I'm spineless with no opinion...rather with an opinion that does no good and only harm when raised.


Things are looking bleak for me. There is love but there is also disappointment. When did I turn into this person who lets such hurtful things go right over her head without any retaliation? I don't want to be a meek, hollow shell of myself. That's what I'm turning into. Instead of the independent, strong woman I want to be, I'm becoming a characterless little girl.
What is a relationship if not a place for me to have my moments of despair with the absolute assurance that there is someone to help me get out of the pit? I'm not allowed to fall apart. I'm not allowed to be muted, only vibrant. I don't know if that's something I have the strength for all the time.

2. Two days ago while sitting with my paternal grandfather while he wrote some letters, I noticed his right leg jittering. I asked him why he was impatient. (My dad, sister and I have the same habit when we're restless.) He smiled at me. "I'm not impatient...it's Parkinsons."
It was like a slap in the face. Parkinsons? What the fuck? I knew granddad hadn't been keeping very well but it was always a slight weakness or a headache or something of that sort that had easily available instant cures. A Paracetamol. Some lemonade with extra salt. Freshly cut fruits. I always believed he would get better in a day or two. And he always did. But with this, I don't know how to find a solution. I watched in silent horror for the next hour as he quietly clasped his knee, stopped writing, and waited for the shaking to pass, every time it happened. He then asked me to help him put some clothes away.
We opened his army trunk, and my grandmother (who's suffering from really serious short-term-memory loss) stopped being low and both of them together told me stories as we folded clothes that brought tears to their eyes. Like how a certain sweater was my maternal grandfather's and when he passed away two years ago his wife graciously gave them all his warm clothes to my paternal grandfather. That made both of them tear up. It made me feel horrible. Because in the twenty years of my being their granddaughter, I didn't know that the bond between the in-laws was so old and so deep. I left the room after two hours feeling like a different person. I was quiet for the rest of the evening, mulling over the things I had discovered in the same room I spent most of my childhood in.

3. I'm slowly realising that as much as I whine about missing school and how simple everything really was back then, I'm doing absolutely nothing to keep in touch. Actually, that applies to everyone in my life, school or not. I get happy when plans get cancelled. I rejoice at not having to look pretty to meet someone but rather sit at home, drink chai and tweet. That's how strange things have gotten. I don't understand my brain anymore.

So as you can read (if you're still here) my mind is a mixing pot of confusion right now. Confusion but somehow still organized. And I just wanted to put it here, because my blog is the only place where all this makes sense.

Love in utter flux,
Kanika

Midnight Heartbreak

3.02 am technically, but right now technicality is not high on my list of things to worry about.

When an illusion you had of someone very loved crashes loudly on the floor, you end up getting hurt. And get hurt I have tonight, in irreparable ways it seems to me.

Why did you do that, love? You broke my heart.

And you really need to learn how to hold your alcohol.

Oh HELL no.

In the span of twenty four hours, I have come to a startling yet NOT extremely scary conclusion, I was scared when it hit me, but in the duration of the epiphany appearing in my head and now, at 10.53 pm, it doesn't seem so bad.

Proof first, then hypothesis.

I've been telling the boyfriend to clean up while cooking his instant noodles, so much as asking him to throw the tastemaker sachet and noodles packet while it's on the gas, boiling. I mean, it makes sense, right? Why wait till you're satisfactorily full and in no mood to clean anymore?

In between my manic OCD phases where I basically clean his room till it sparkles, whenever I've sent him out of the room for an errand I always ask him to accomplish another task while he's there. For example, "go get the dustbin from the kitchen...oh and while you're there just fill a bottle of water and bring it back for me." This leads to an argument about me being a slavedriver, and I say the words I have heard many times before from someone else who shall remain nameless till the end of this post: "Time and motion study, it's logic. Why make two trips when the tasks can be finished in one?" Response: death stare and some incoherent muttering of words I know are not nice.

Currently doing a dye-ing course in college, so my hands have been orange tinted for days (shall post pictures of tiedye pieces soon :D)...and I've realised that trying to make sure everyone cleans up equally really doesn't work, and I end up saying stuff like, "if you made the mess, you clean it up."

I've turned into my mother.

What flashbacks. She says exactly all these things and more to my sister and I.

D:

Love in fright,

Kanika

 p.s. happy holi and all. I might just stay home and finish my portfolio. sigh. such is life.

Endeavouring

The thing about school friends is, they know you in a way you'd rather not remember. Back when you were still stupid, and heartbroken without realising that that word held more than just a temporary bad feeling of rejection.

They will forgive you more readily than you will forgive yourself for all the silly things you said and did back then, though they won't let you forget that one time when -

I get these phases where I intensely miss school and the people we were, stupid yes, but so happy nevertheless. There is so much that happened in those 14 years that has shaped my idea of the world, and that is more than I can ever imagine.